3 Clues to Help Figure Out if It's the Real Thing

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I was recently interviewed by a reporter from Verily Magazine interested in a researcher's take on how long couples should date before getting married.

And while there doesn’t seem to be a critical length of time necessary for dating before marriage, I have compiled some research which may help you to determine whether your own relationship might have the potential to become a successful lifelong connection.

1. 100 Days, 100 Nights

In our book, The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships, we reference a wonderful song by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings called "100 Days, 100 Nights" (Mann, 2007). The gist of the song is that it will take at least 100 days and nights to know whether a man loves you, and perhaps a little longer for him to know his own heart. (This last lyric may be an exaggeration, though; read on.)

Interestingly, this length of time roughly corresponds with couples' self-reports of when they fell in love with their partners. Americans typically report knowing they were in love with one another within a few months (Harrison & Shortall, 2011). So consider: How long you have dated your current partner? Do you feel like it has been long enough to fall in love? Do you love him or her? Does your partner love you? If you are not feeling that serious yet, give it time: It takes some people longer to fall in love than others. Moreover, contrary to our stereotypes, men report falling in love faster than women (Harrison & Shortall, 2011). Some researchers, however, speculate that men’s tendency to fall in love faster may be a mechanism to engage women in a sexual relationship sooner (Galperin & Haselton, 2010).

2. Sometimes Love Isn’t Enough

Most people consider love essential to a good marriage; however, certainty about your relationship may trump love when it comes to deciding whether you are ready to make a commitment. We may sincerely love romantic partners who are nevertheless not good long-term partners. When I was in college, I ran into an old friend outside of church one morning. She asked how my relationship was going with a boyfriend I had dated for two years. I said, "Well, I don’t know, I guess it’s going OK, but..." I proceeded to confide some positive things about our relationship and some negative things, and some reasons I was unsure about our future, even though I felt strongly that I loved him. When I asked my friend how her relationship was going she immediately replied, "Great." I can remember thinking to myself that I hoped one day I would feel that way about my relationship—and when I began dating my husband, I did feel that way.

If you are unsure about the future of your own relationship, it may be best to delay a commitment: Research shows that those who marry when they have doubts about their relationships are less satisfied with their marriages and have an increased likelihood of marital distress and divorce (Lavner et al., 2012).

3. Love You? I Don’t Even Know You!

In many cultures outside of the U.S., arranged marriages remain common. Sometimes couples meet only once or twice before their marriage and don't really "date" at all. Most research, however, shows no difference in love, commitment, and marital satisfaction between arranged marriages and marriages of choice—and some studies show an increase in love over time in arranged marriages but a decrease over time in individually chosen marriages (Myers et al., 2005; Regan et al., 2012; Yelsma and Athappilly).

These findings, as well as other research (see Sinclair et al., 2014), suggest that parental approval of a spouse may increase the likelihood of marital success. While this idea may sound scary to some, our own research (Fugère et al., 2016) shows that when it comes to our romantic partners, we tend to agree with our parents more than we think we will.

So take your time, figure out your feelings for your partner—and your partner’s feelings for you. Introduce him or her to your parents and see how it goes...

Portions of this post were taken from The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships. Copyright 2015 Madeleine A. Fugère.

• If you are interested in learning more about dating and mating, please check out our book, The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships (also available on Amazon).
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References

• Fugère, M. A., Chabot, C.,* Doucette, K.,* & Cousins, A. J. (2016, June). Similarities and Differences in Mate Preferences among Women and their Parents.Poster scheduled to be presented at the annual meeting of the NorthEastern Evolutionary Psychology Society, Nova Scotia, Canada.
• Galperin, A., & Haselton, M. (2010). Predictors of how often and when people fall in love. Evolutionary Psychology, 8(1), 5–28.
• Harrison, M. A., & Shortall, J. C. (2011). Women and men in love: Who really feels it and says it first? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151, 727–736. doi:10.1080/00224545.2010.522626
• Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2012). Do cold feet warn of trouble ahead? Premarital uncertainty and four-year marital outcomes. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(6), 1012–1017. doi:10.1037/a0029912
• Mann, B. (2007). 100 days, 100 nights. On 100 Days, 100 Nights. New York: Daptone Records.
• Myers, J. E., Madathil, J., & Tingle, L. R. (2005). Marriage satisfaction and wellness in India and the United States: A preliminary comparison of arranged marriages and marriages of choice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 83(2), 183–190. doi:10.1002/j.1556-6678.2005.tb00595.x
• Regan, P. C., Lakhanpal, S., & Anguiano, C. (2012). Relationship outcomes in Indian-American love-based and arranged marriages. Psychological Reports, 110(3), 915–924. doi:10.2466/21.02.07.PR0.110.3.915-924
• Sinclair, H. C., Hood, K. B., & Wright, B. L. (2014). Revisiting the Romeo and Juliet effect (Driscoll, Davis, & Lipetz, 1972): Reexamining the links between social network opinions and romantic relationship outcomes. Social Psychology, 45(3), 170-178. doi:10.1027/1864-9335/a000181
• Yelsma, P., & Athappilly, K. (1988). Marital satisfaction and communication practices: Comparisons among Indian and American couples. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 19(1), 37–54.