What to Ask Yourself When Dealing with a Narcissist

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Narcissists come in all sizes and shapes, so it's hard to imagine that there's one common thread in all of them that predicts outcomes. Addressing that dynamic is critical in developing helpful management strategies and increasing the likelihood of success when dealing with a narcissist.

The confusion over narcissistic types can be seen in this common misconception: “If George is a narcissist, then Hannah can't be. They’re nothing alike.” George and Hannah may “look” different, but they possess the same psychological structures. Believe it or not, if they both met the criteria for narcissism, then a nerdy, perfectionistic valedictorian would have the same psychological structure as a popular, manipulative football captain prone to bullying others.

Let's start with a discussion of the different types of narcissists, which explains both (a) why they're hard to diagnose and (b) the reason it's so difficult to "see" the central common underlying issue.

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How Do You Spot a Narcissist?

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good starting place:

A narcissist—that is, someone who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD—is someone who:

• needs recognition
• believes they’re special
• overestimates their skills and abilities
• thinks far too highly of their own opinion
• needs to be “right”
• lacks interest in things that do not involve the self
• becomes overly sensitive to real and perceived slights
• idealizes and/or devalues others
• expects special treatment
• makes unrealistic demands
• maintains superficial and exploitative relationships
• fails to take responsibility for their behavior
• blames others for errors and misunderstandings
• lacks empathy

Both clinicians and researchers have identified two major types of narcissists:

The vulnerable narcissist presents as more anxious, worried, and sensitive to criticism. The vulnerable type is often high-achieving and is less frequently recognized by the layperson.

The grandiose narcissist tends to be more flamboyant, charismatic, controlling, and manipulative. The grandiose type is often popular, socially prominent, and perceived to be a leader.

It’s important to remember, however, that all of these behaviors, regardless of type, are just what is visible on the surface, like the tip of an iceberg. Underneath lies a fundamental flaw in their self-concept and self-esteem, a sense of self that is immature, unsteady, and vulnerable to injury.

The Fundamental Flaw: Underdeveloped, Unstable Self-Concept

This structural defect stalls development. This is where the common thread shows itself. It makes it difficult to (a) build and sustain relationships, (b) regulate emotions, and (c) take in and process information accurately. This primary deficit is costly.

• The flawed self-concept compromises the narcissist's ability to establish stable emotional connections because they must have a partner who serves their emotional needs.
• The flawed self-concept accounts for their vulnerability to criticism and then shows itself in emotional reactivity.
• The flawed self-concept accounts for their misinterpretation of the facts and their tendency to "believe" their version of events.

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The underlying self-concept flaw in narcissists is reflected in three core features:

1. Self-importance
2. A sense of entitlement
3. Disregard for others/lack of empathy

The flawed self-concept drives specific needs. It forces them to behave in ways that seek out the "fuel" they must have. Without these narcissistic supplies, they are running on "empty," and their functioning deteriorates. They become increasingly demanding and difficult and unable to manage their emotional life.

• They must be important.
• They must be treated as special.
• They must be self-preoccupied and cannot attend to the feelings of others.

Why It's Important to Recognize This Fundamental Flaw

Realizing and appreciating this flaw results in the most productive management strategies. Every word and action must be understood in terms of the flawed self-concept.

Understanding the narcissist's flawed self-concept explains how to intervene with them. If you want to avoid provoking them, then you must not challenge these needs. If you want a narcissist to like you, you must gratify these needs.

The critical question to ask yourself is this: Will this action or these words bruise their ego, challenge their self-worth, or minimize their contribution?

If it does, then it is unlikely to be a successful interaction, and the narcissist may well be furious with you. If it does not, it is more likely to be a successful exchange, and the narcissist may tolerate your words and even consider your proposal or suggestion. Learning to frame words and behavior in this way is cumbersome and certainly inauthentic, but it could help improve relations with a seemingly impossible person.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Is It a Good Idea to Flatter a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Leaders Often Fall, In Time

A version of this post also appears on Drmaryannlittle.com.