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Key points
- Every child grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for grief.
- Children can experience a wide range of reactions to the holidays. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
- Provide children with opportunities to feel more connected to the person who has died.
For many of us, the holiday season is a happy and joyful time that we look forward to all year. But after experiencing the death of a loved one, the holidays can be an extremely difficult time, particularly for children. Being a bereaved parent can be especially challenging because it involves dealing with one’s own grief while also managing your child’s grief.
Having worked with many youths and families who have been significantly impacted by loss over the years, I have observed several ways in which parents can help their grieving children cope with the challenges of the holiday season.
1. Validate your child’s feelings.
Bereaved children often experience a wide range of reactions to the holidays. Some want to talk about the death and how much they miss the deceased person, and others might not want to talk at all. For some kids, the holidays themselves can serve as a powerful reminder of loss, which may prevent them from wanting to engage in festivities or traditions that they used to enjoy with the deceased, such as decorating the Christmas tree or lighting Hanukkah candles.
There is no right or wrong way for a child to grieve. The most helpful thing you can do as a parent is to validate your child’s feelings and be available for them when they do want to talk.
2. Don’t be afraid to be sad in front of your child.
Bereaved parents sometimes worry that they will upset their children by showing their own grief. But it is important for children to see that their parents are human, too.
By allowing your child to see you feeling sad or even crying, you send the message that it is OK to show your emotions after a loved one dies. In fact, this is a normal part of grief. In other words, we need to “feel it to heal it.”
3. Help your child feel connected to their deceased loved one.
Because the holidays are often a time when children may feel the loss of a loved one even more acutely, a helpful strategy can be for parents to provide their children with opportunities to feel more connected to the memory of that person. This can include sharing stories, looking at old photos or videos, engaging in activities they used to enjoy doing together, or even starting new holiday traditions that honor the person’s memory.
Consider setting aside some time during the holidays to talk about the kind things people may have said at the memorial service or perform volunteer service that helps to memorialize the person. For example, you might ask, “Is there anything special you’d like to do during the holidays to remember ___?”
4. Don’t overlook your own needs.
Parents and caregivers are often so worried about caring for their children and ensuring that the holidays are a happy time for them that they frequently overlook their own needs. But one of the best ways to take care of your grieving child is to take care of yourself.
Seeking support from family, friends, or a therapist and doing things that make you happy can go a long way toward keeping you physically and mentally healthy. This also allows you to model for your child that it is healthy and important to ask for help when you need it.
5. Learn to spot the signs of troubled grief.
Grief is a natural part of life and a reflection of the love we have for the person who has died. However, concerned parents and caregivers often want to know how to identify when their child might need additional support. Some signs to look for that suggest children could be “stuck” in their grief include:
- Major changes in sleeping or eating habits that have a significant impact on daily functioning, such as an inability to get out of bed in the morning or attend school or regular activities
- Extreme separation distress or inability to separate from caregivers
- Excessive preoccupation with the circumstances of the death, including worries and concerns about the way the person died or even shame or guilt that they were somehow responsible.
- Avoidance and numbing behavior, which can include staying away from people, places, or things that remind them of the deceased or the way the person died
- Risk-taking behavior in adolescents, such as substance abuse, driving while intoxicated, or violent acts
Every child grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for grief. But if any of these behaviors are present six months after the loss of a loved one and are impacting daily routines or include expressions of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, parents or caregivers should have the child evaluated by a mental health professional who is well-versed in the assessment and treatment of childhood grief.
A version of this piece also appears in USA Today.
