Assertiveness: It's Not About Control

I kicked back at my all-time favorite coffee shop, nervously waiting for them to call my friend's double espresso macchiato. I pleasantly sipped my tea with a tad bit of guilt. He sprung up, walked to the front, and asked about his drink. His order had been overlooked. He returned with his signature little coffee cup. My guilt turned to admiration.

As a woman, assertiveness is not something I have always valued or sought to develop. What others might call confidence, I feared would be viewed with judgments of nothing but privilege if I were to attempt.

My worries were not unfounded. Women experience a disproportionate amount of 'assertiveness backlash,' a construct that describes subtle and not-so-subtle ways of punishing individual attempts to speak up. And it's not just a legend. Research supports this phenomenon. One recent study showed 223 participants videos of female and male agents showing varying levels of assertive gesturing as they spoke (Wessler et al., 2022). Even in this modest demonstration, the dominant females were rated less favorably than the dominant males.

Yet, time has shown me the value of resolute, clear, and direct communication. Initiative sometimes gets you your coffee. Rather than seeing assertiveness as "mean" or "bad," I have come to appreciate it. I have taken time to cultivate my style of assertiveness. What follows are four common misunderstandings about assertiveness and a new perspective.

Assertiveness is not bossiness: Bossy. Whether on the playground or in the office, many strong female leaders have unfairly been cast this unkind title (Ciancetta, 2018). Yet, assertiveness is not merely about telling others what to do, it's about being crystal in our communication, intentions, and expectations.

Assertiveness is clarity: When someone communicates directly, their message should ideally be heard loud and clear. Clarity is a gift. Understanding what someone is asking or expressing is essential for effective communication, a key ingredient in professional and personal relationships.

Assertiveness is not judging others: Assertiveness is not about making harsh judgments of others. On the contrary, clear communication can prevent a buildup of resentment and prevent misunderstandings.

Assertiveness is honesty: Sometimes, to avoid clear assertiveness, people engage in indirect communication, specifically something that radically open dialectical behavioral therapy calls 'disguised demands' (Lynch, 2018). Disguised demands can take a range of forms, from little lies to feigned incompetence. These communication patterns tend to harm relationships and are often dishonest.

Assertiveness is not mean: The word 'assertive' brings to mind a picture of a person with hands on both hips while wearing an abrasive face. Yet confidence is often appreciated. When someone is assertive, we can communicate effectively. In addition, unlike passive aggression, assertiveness does not typically project guilt to the receiver.

Assertiveness is kindness: Assertiveness is an act of kindness to ourselves and others. Clear boundaries prevent burnout on both sides and show a sense of respect.

Assertiveness is not control: Unlike disguised demands, assertiveness is not about controlling other people's behaviors. Although we may make requests assertively, in the end, it is up to the other to decide whether or not to accept the rules of engagement that we are offering.

Assertiveness is about trust: Honest and direct communication is one of the most basic expressions of trust. By being truthful and clear, we show that we recognize the other person as a capable human.

Conclusion

If you are struggling with assertiveness, you are not alone. Steps like practicing honest, clear, and direct communication gradually can help to hone these skills. Psychotherapy also offers a setting to master assertiveness skills while challenging beliefs that could perpetuate a lack of assertiveness.

Assertiveness Essential Reads

6 Signs That You Need to Assert Yourself

The Power of Assertiveness Training

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.