Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.

To Blame Is to Shame, So How Can You Avoid It?

Just as you’d react negatively when you feel made wrong or put down, so will your partner if your words produce a similarly hurtful, shaming effect.

Righteous vs. Self-Righteous

Might humility alone determine whether a person is virtuous or just righteous?

“If I Can Do It, You Can Do It.” Oh, Really?

The encouraging statement in this post’s title—too often overblown and unrealistically optimistic—makes achieving something exceptional seem commonplace.

Take Heed—5 Caveats for “If I Can Do It, Anybody Can Do It”

TV commercials are rife with ads offering glib reassurances to anyone doubting whether a product or service can actually do the wondrous things so enthusiastically promised.

How Unconscious Defenses Sabotage Your Ethical Ideals

You want to always act in accord with your ethical standards. But do you ever fantasize traveling back to times when you behaved impulsively or selfishly?

When Empathy for Your Partner Goes Awry, Why?

To correctly identify someone’s psychological state, we need to emotionally share it and cognitively classify it. And here, compassion works a lot better than empathy.

Don’t Debate Your Partner’s “Always” and “Never” Statements

It’s worth exploring how employing “always” and “never” in highly provocative situations may be inevitable—impossible to totally uproot. How should you respond to them?

Procrastination: 10 Reasons to Embrace the Word "Now"

Whether you feel like it or not, tackling something right away that needs to get done is generally the wisest thing to do—and there are so many reasons why.

A New Way to Understand Your Psychological Defenses

We may wonder why we struggle to reach reachable goals. Mainly, it’s because we don't recognize that our outdated, unconscious defenses create difficulties.

3 Ways to Counter Someone’s Demeaning "Gotchas!”

Falling into the “gotcha trap” so that you’re actually enabling someone to empower themselves at your expense is inevitable, unless you come up with a stratagem of your own.

A New Way to Understand Your Partner’s Rage

Rage is the most ironic of emotions. It’s also the most misunderstood. And paradoxically, it’s chiefly *about* misunderstanding—between individuals, groups, and even nations.

How Well Do You Deal With Ambiguity?

Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable, but we can be richly rewarded for hanging in there anyway.

Narcissists: Masters of Overcompensation

Narcissists hide, both from themselves and others, serious deficits in their self-image, and overcompensate by exhibiting manipulativeness.

Three Times When It Doesn’t Make Sense to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is generally seen as the golden mean of communication. And done with tact and restraint, it’s not offensive to whoever might be on the receiving end.

Do You Feel Your Life Is Passing You By?

If you’re plagued by regret, it’s time to delve into whatever anxiety, guilt, or shame most likely underlies such misgivings.

Is It Best to See a Past Abuser as Perpetrator, Victim, or Both?

If in a relationship you were gaslighted, cheated on, and exploited, seeing yourself as victimized is surely warranted. But can you do so in a way that generates self-compassion?

Might You Actually Want Your Unwanted Thoughts?

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” may seem a strange way of overcoming self-sabotaging, intrusive thoughts. Yet it just might be the best strategy you have.

What’s the Opposite of Anxiety, and How Do You Get There?

If you had more self-confidence, or believed in yourself more deeply, would you still experience fear in presenting yourself to others?

What’s the Main Problem with Anger Control Techniques?

As peculiar—or paradoxical—as it sounds, the immediate response of anger is a great pseudo-solution for almost every significant emotional disturbance.

How to Talk to—and Tame—Your Outdated Defenses

What’s the best way to dialogue with your maladaptive defenses, so that they’ll be more willing to back off and allow you to more freely be yourself?

Could Harmony in a Relationship Be No More Than a “Cop-Out”?

Most people would probably agree that fighting all the time with their mate is worse—it may be much worse—than taking pains to avoid such arguments.

What Words Will Instantly Increase Your Self-Compassion?

There are times when we can be really hard on ourselves. This is what therapists typically refer to as having a harsh inner critic.

The Word “Should” May Hurt Both You and Your Relationship

What’s the crucial, and rarely recognized, reason that you—and just about everyone else—can’t abstain from using the word "should"? And how does this undermine your relationships?

The Dalai Lama on COVID-19: Compassion as the Best Weapon?

A particular individual can do only so much to protect us from calamity but, collectively, we can save this planet for many, many generations to come.

COVID-19 Hate Crimes: Anger > Indignation > Hatred > Revenge

In times of social upheaval, even subtle, dimly recognized prejudices can be blown out of proportion and lead us to think and act in unprecedented ways.

7 Ways to Meet the Marital Challenges of COVID-19

During COVID-19, how many adjustments and adaptations can we make without getting so overcome with frustration and annoyance that we turn on those closest to us—like our partner?

Parents: Beware How You React to Your Teen’s Rebelliousness

You never want to get into a power struggle with your teen. Even if you win, the price of your victory could be the relationship itself.

When Your Partner No Longer Views You as Their Best Friend

Once the honeymoon period is over, you can expect to experience a certain amount of disillusionment. Here’s what to do about it.

Exaggerating Can Reveal Deeper Truths—Here’s How

It’s been said that “truth is shrouded in contradiction and paradox.” And this ambiguity can make strategic hyperboles essential in helping us grasp what contains deeper meanings.

Punishing Your Child for Lying Can Prompt More Lying

There’s a vast difference between teaching children what’s crucial for them to learn and, however unintentionally, actually traumatizing them.

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