Final Analysis: Watch Your Back, Prozac!

A new crop of psychiatric wonder-drugs are under way. Which ones will help you?

By Marian Rosin, published on November 1, 2009 - last reviewed on December 28, 2011

Any day now, you can open up the Physicians' Desk Reference (PDR) and expect to see a whole new generation of psychiatric wonder drugs that are very specifically targeted for what ails you. Here are a few that could be in the pipeline.

Apoxopine

When you're bored by Shakespeare but are afraid to tell anyone.

Taxil

For the anxiety and depression that kick in around April 15. Take two if you receive an audit notice.

Xanic

For when you get a really bad run of letters at Scrabble.

Dallyum

For chronic procrastinators. Take it when you're supposed to.

Klonopinto

When you just spent $30,000 on a car—and there's a recall.

Flummoxetine

For the perpetually baffled.

Lexuspro

Alleviates the guilt you feel for not having bought a hybrid.

Melbutrin

So you can still love Mel Gibson no matter what he says or does.

Seroquell

When the second movie in a series inevitably disappoints you. (Not indicated for The Lord of the Rings fans.)

Avilify

Because it really is other people's fault.

Buspironi

A treatment for people who deeply love pasta. There's nothing at all wrong with that, so this is actually a placebo.

Zolong

The drug that lets you say good-bye to your shrink.