The Road to Familial Bliss

Whether you're battling a recalcitrant 8-year-old or a teenager who brushes you off with a "whatever" and a roll of the eyes, Michael P. Nichols, a family therapist and psychology professor at the College of William and Mary in Virginia, says he has a recipe for helping families to halt the bickering. Nichols is the author of Stop Arguing with Your Kids, which both explains why parents get sucked into fighting with their children and describes how to end conflict with a technique called "responsive listening." The method gives a child more opportunity to express himself-and reduces the risk of a blowout. PT's Carlin Flora spoke with Nichols.

How did you become a convert to responsive listening?

I saw parents being put on the defensive by their children and fighting back as though their kids were powerful adversaries. They let themselves get down to the child's level by arguing back. I learned that if parents could simply begin to listen to their kids, many problems could be solved.

How should a parent approach this technique?

First, decide that the conversation is going to be about listening. It sounds so basic, but you have to make that commitment. Then invite the child to explain further what he feels or wants. The point is to draw the child out.

Let the child know what you think he is saying. Children don't expect to be listened to by their parents, and as long as they're talking, the argument is kept at bay. However, this is not the same thing as just saying, "I understand how you feel." Instead, you might ask, "Is this what you mean?"

How does a parent stay in the driver's seat?

The parent is completely in charge when she takes the role of listener. And there has to be a level of control for the parent. She can't allow herself to be threatened. If a child yells, "I hate you!" the standard argumentative response is "Well, that's just too bad, because you can't..." Whereas the responsive listener would say something like, "I really made you mad, didn't I?"

But the disagreement still hasn't been resolved.

Say you'll think about it. The last step is to try to postpone the decision-making part. The sooner you say no, the more likely an argument will ensue. Then, even if you go back later and say no, the child will still feel understood and appreciated.

Some parents are always reasoning with their kids. Why is this not a good idea?

It seems like a good thing, but it implies that your reasons must be justified, and that makes them a point open to debate. Kids have to go to bed because their parents want them to, not because it has to be justified. I think this tendency is a reaction against previous generations' parenting styles.

How does the power struggle between parent and child play out at various ages?

When kids are little, they take for granted that parents will have the final decision. As kids get older, and certainly by the time they are teenagers, they don't want to be told what to do. Smart parents pay a lot of attention to an adolescent's wishes as the best way to stay in control; whereas restrictive parents can only control up to a point, and then the child is more likely to rebel.

I'm not saying that decisions should be mutually agreeable—you can completely reject what the kid says, but you must invite his or her point of view.

Responsive listening is a very powerful lever, because once parents are comfortably in control, they actually get an understanding of their child's inner life. So, it might begin as a manipulative tactic, but it becomes a way of really getting to understand your child's feelings.

What should you do if you have no authority over a teenager, if it's really gotten out of hand?

With a difficult kid, it's strategic to show understanding. Then parents should initiate some positive family activities to regain trust. Some parents see this as rewarding a bad kid, but it's really regaining control of the relationship. Once the kid has more respect for the parent, discipline can be phased in.

What advice do you have for divorced parents, especially those who don't get along very well?

There are at least two important principles here. The first is that you don't want to get into a triangle. If the parents don't agree about using responsive listening, really, the best way to convince your ex is to use responsive listening! You could say, "You think listening to our son this way is spoiling him. I want to try to understand that more."