Advice: Spicing It Up

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice to a woman looking to spice up her sex life.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on February 3, 2004 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016

My boyfriend of three years and I have a great relationship.
We can talk for hours, enjoy the same things and are each other's best
friends. The other day he told me that our sex life isn't as exciting
as he would like. He has had a lot more experience in this field than I
have, and I do want to please him. But sex has never been much of an
issue for me; I enjoy it, but don't miss it when it's not there. So I'm
not really sure where to look or what can be done to spice things up.
Any ideas?

Sex can and should be a great element of the bond in a
relationship. Good sex is not a matter of experience; it’s a matter
of interest and openness to experimentation together—exactly like
life outside the bedroom.

If you engage in sex merely to do what pleases your partner, it is
going to become a chore; you may technically satisfy your
boyfriend’s physical drives, but neither of you will enjoy the
experience and you won’t be building the relationship.

You need to discover your own sexual nature and what pleases you.
When you allow your partner to be instrumental in that, he gains in
pleasure and the bond flourishes between you.

Where to look to spice things up: right in your boyfriend’s
eyes. Ask him what he had in mind by way of excitement. And ask him to
help you learn how to spice it up for both of you. Tell him you want him
to help you discover how you
reallylike to be touched, where and in what

You can’t make great sex happen. You have to allow it to
happen. You have to be comfortable with your own body and trust each
other. Nor can you allow his prior experience to inhibit you, since it
does not put you at a disadvantage in any way that really matters.

Set aside time to be with each other. Have no goal other than to
play and explore together. And let feelings flow naturally. If you want
to read a terrific book about sex, I urge you to get
Passionate Marriageby David Schnarch. You can also
get information at