Capturing Today's Worst Dating Trends

PeopleImages/ iStock

With the rise of social media and dating apps we are faced with new challenges in navigating our romantic lives. Virtual platforms have changed the way we meet, the way we interact, how we set our boundaries, and the speed of how our relationships evolve. In the digital era, there is much more room to reading into posts, and taking someone’s social media behaviors as an indication of our status in their lives. In addition, it also makes appearing and disappearing in each other’s lives so much easier. As social media platforms amplify dysfunctional dynamics and abusive behaviors in relationships, new viral terms to describe them continue to emerge.

1. Ghosting: When a person without explanation or forewarning, suddenly cuts ties with you. The person does not respond to your attempts to communicate, avoids interactions, and shuts you out. This leaves the ghosted in the dark with unfinished feeling. This is a form of emotional abuse. The inability to find closure can make moving on difficult.
2. Haunting: When a person continues to interact with you after the relationship has ended. These behaviors are often subtle, like hearting/liking your post on social media. Similar to ghosting, this can make it hard to move on, and can result in confusion and false hope.
3. Benching: This comes from the sports term where players are kept on the side, ready to sub in for other players. Those on the bench aren’t first line stars, yet are kept ready to fill in if back up is needed. When you are benched, the feeling is that your date doesn’t invest a lot of emotional energy to deepen the connection, but they also don’t completely break ties, either. It might feel like you are on a performance plan, showing off your abilities with the hope of being in the spotlight someday. Being benched can hurt your feelings and negatively impact your sense of self-worth.
4. Stashing: Stashing refers to when the person you are dating is keeping you separate from their life by not introducing you to their family, friends, or coworkers. They might be engaged with you, going on frequent dates and replying to your text, but still excluding you from their lives by not posting about your relationship on their social media or not inviting you to their best friend’s birthday party. This might negatively impact your self-esteem and trigger feelings of not being worthy of love.
5. Breadcrumbing: This refers to a pattern of behavior where one person gives another intermittent and often minimalistic signals of romantic or emotional interest. Sometimes referred to as 'Hansel and Gretelling,' the term is derived from the idea of leaving behind a trail of breadcrumbs for someone to find what they're looking for. Breadcrumbing involves a small-but-inconsistent supply of interest that keeps you feeling as though there is the potential for more. This is a form of emotional abuse that can cause you to question whether your date truly cares about you.
6. Kittenfishing: This refers to the deliberate act of when your date has created a deceptive fake online persona, making themselves seem more attractive for romantic pursuits. This may be in the form of posting more attractive photos of themselves on dating apps, for instance from when they were younger or more athletic, or embellishing their hobbies, or making their job appear more lucrative and successful than it is. The person might not be straight out lying but these types of behaviors are still manipulative and could result in mistrust and disconnection.
7. Submarining: Submarining is when you feel like you have great chemistry with the person you are dating, but then all of a sudden they ghost you. They disappear without explanation, and after some time they resurface in your life, picking up from where you left off, and act as if nothing happened. For example, this person might not respond to your texts for a week, then ask you out to a party and act like there was no disconnect. This could lead to confusion and reduce the reliability of the relationship.
8. Zombieing: Zombieing is when a person from your past suddenly makes a comeback. The difference from submarining is that usually the ‘zombie’ is someone from a different phase of your life, for instance a high school boyfriend reaching out after twenty years. This could feel unsettling and destabilizing.
9. Phubbing: This is when the person you are dating is more engaged with their phone than they are with you. For example, when you go out on a date, they would rather check their social media than connect with you in real life. This can feel dismissive and lonely.
10. Deflexting: When you are in a texting conversation and ask a question, express romantic interest, or make a plan to connect and the person responds to everything else except for that specific context and avoids commitment. They might ignore the whole message, or respond partially, leaving you wondering if they deliberately ignored your pursuits or if your text got lost in a shuffle.

What to do:

Prioritize your needs and give yourself self-love: It’s important to give ourselves self-compassion in the face of betrayal. When we are subjected to emotional abuse the message is that our feelings are irrelevant, that we are not worthy of affection and love. This disarms us from our coping mechanisms and is detrimental to our sense of self-worth. By giving ourselves self-compassion and engaging in activities that nourish us, we can take the power back. Taking the time to heal by giving ourselves the respect we deserve is crucial. Consider processing your feelings with a trusted loved one or seek professional help to get the support you need.

Set clear boundaries: You can dictate how you want to be treated. Clearly communicate what you expect from a relationship. If your date is not meeting your needs or respecting your boundaries, be honest about your limits. If your date is being vague, dismissive or inconsistent, be direct with them and request an open conversation about their intentions.

Trust your intuition: Don’t dismiss red flags - listen to your gut. Don’t make excuses for your date and don’t disregard your instincts. If your date is making you doubt yourself and make you feel insecure and unworthy of care, they probably are not the right person for you.

Move on: Unless your date shows accountability for their actions, is willing to have an open conversation and comes back with a justifiable explanation and an apology, there is no reason for a second chance. Cut off contact with them if they are not treating you right. For the relationship to continue they need to earn your trust again. Don’t let someone else’s emotions or behaviors dictate your self-worth. Reserve your energy for someone who gives you the value you deserve.