3 Parental Beliefs That Poison Relationships With Adult Kids

Source: Pexels: Andrea Piacquadio

At the heart of many adult child/parent relationship issues are stories that parents tell themselves about their role in their child’s life. Unweaving these narratives and finding new ways of thinking and acting offers opportunities for families to grow into a healthier place.

1. It is my job to fix my adult child’s problems.

Some parents of adult children believe it is their job to fix an adult child’s problems. This can look like offering unsolicited advice, offering resources to prevent their child from experiencing natural consequences, or mediating arguments between their adult child and that child’s siblings or other loved ones.

Parents like this tend to get frustrated when their child fails to follow their advice, does not sufficiently appreciate the resources given (or even squanders those resources), and repeatedly asks them to mediate more disagreements.

When parents fix their adult children’s problems, they rob that child of the ability to learn to manage their own struggles and send the message that the parent does not trust their child to fix it themselves. Parents eventually must come to the reality that they cannot fix their child’s life and cannot control their actions or behavior. What can a parent think and do instead? They can think, “My child is a capable, competent adult. It is not my responsibility to make sure they never struggle. It is not my job to fix all of their problems. I will support them however and whenever I can in an appropriate manner.” They can begin to step back and offer confidence in their child’s capacity to solve their issues.

2. My child’s choices should reflect my values.

To some extent, parents will naturally see their children as an extension of themselves. But when that goes too far, a parent can respond to their child’s burgeoning independence by pressuring their child to make decisions that align with the parents' hopes and dreams and reflect well on those parents. The parents may try to do things such as steer their child into a prestigious career, pressure their child to attend (and get married in) a church, or scrutinize their child’s body if it falls outside of conventional beauty standards.

The adult child, feeling the weight of judgment, may work very hard to meet their parent’s standards, losing themselves in the process, or bristle against and likely disappoint their beloved parents. What can parents think instead? “My child is an independent person with their own wants, needs, values, and beliefs. It is OK if we are different.”

3. My child is my baby and I will always treat them that way.

In some families, parents struggle to treat an adult child as an adult, instead offering care in age-inappropriate ways. Instead of having mature conversations about the adult child’s work or interests, the parent reminds them to pack a lunch and bring a coat because it’s cold outside. The parent may feel entitled to the same level of access the parent had when their child was truly young. This dynamic can hold the relationship hostage in an outdated form. Instead of finding new, mutually wonderful ways of connecting, the relationship stagnates in a younger developmental form. Parents may do this from a place of grief at no longer raising young children or a sense of aimlessness when the primary task of raising a child ends. The parent may cling to it to maintain a sense of self, even when their child has outgrown that role. What can a parent think instead? “Of course my baby will always be my baby. And they are an adult now and we can find new, precious ways of connecting.”

Small tweaks in mindset can go a long way in relationships between parents and adult children. When parents take the lead in seeing their children as adults and respecting their autonomy and life choices, they open the door to a more rewarding, mutually satisfying experience.