In the Name of Love

A Philosopher Looks at Our Deepest Emotions

Aaron Ben-Zeév is President and Professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims. See full bio

May 15, 2009, Philosophy

Comments on "Darling, Should I be Passionate or Patient About Our Love?"

Darling, Should I be Passionate or Patient About Our Love?

By Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 15, 2009 in In the Name of Love

Quite often, lovers confront some kind of obstacle that prevents them from fulfilling their passionate love. Should such lovers be passionate or patient? It seems that in different circumstances, either characteristic could be essential and it is up to the lover to recognize the circumstance and behave passionately or patiently. Read More

Why hope?

Submitted by Anonymous on May 16, 2009 - 9:38am.

This topic is particularly of interest to me right now--I am involved in a relationship with someone who is already taken. He and I are passionately in love, yet he cannot see himself leaving his original relationship. I am forced to be patient, and of course, I'd like to feel hope, but I don't see why I should, intrinsically.

Obviously, in a perfect world, he would realize that he can't do this forever, would see that we are developing something "better" than his first relationship, and he would end that one and we could live happily ever after.

But I doubt many people reading this would think that that's likely to happen.

I got into this situation because I "trusted my heart." I think I would have done my heart better not to trust it, because as things stand, it's just going to get broken.

Hope is so important

Submitted by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 16, 2009 - 11:19am.

Thanks for your (passionate) observations. Your description does not refer to whether his inability to leave the original relationship is permanent or temporary. If it is the former, then you certainly should not be patient. But if the obstacle is temporary, then hope is quite justified. After all it will be best for both of you that the departure from his current relationship will be as smooth as possible. I am well aware that it is so difficult to be patient in such a case, but if your love is indeed genuine and passionate, a bit more patience will certainly be rewarded. It may, however, be beneficial to directly confront him about the permanent or temporary nature of his inability.

Thanks for responding to my

Submitted by Anonymous on May 17, 2009 - 8:23am.

Thanks for responding to my comment. I suppose I don't know if his inability to leave the original relationship is permanent or temporary. He doesn't talk about it very much and for now, says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to (of course I've asked him, because I want him to leave it!). I don't know why he doesn't know. Obviously many factors in life (practical issues as well as habit, comfort, etc.) keep people from leaving otherwise unhappy relationships.

I would love to have a happy ending; I'm just not sure that that's a realistic hope.

happy ending

Submitted by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 17, 2009 - 9:32am.

Your situation is of great interest to me. On the one hand there is a passionate love between you, but on the other hand, you doubt his intention to live with you since he did not leave yet his present relationship. This conclusion may be wrong as there may be some temporary obstacles unknown to you. In any case, by leaving him now, you close all options for happy end, but by staying with him, as he wants, you still have great chances for such happy ending, as he loves you so much. The greatest regrets in life are for the roads not taken, not for the roads which were taken and turning to be the wrong ones.

Yes, I agree that the only

Submitted by Anonymous on May 18, 2009 - 8:53am.

Yes, I agree that the only possible way to have a happy ending is to stick with him and hope for the best. But along the way, there is a lot of hurt and sadness from his choices. It's bad for the self-esteem to feel like one is second in line. We love each other! Why is that not enough? He gets to make all the choices, and his choice right now seems incomprehensible.

time is valuable

Submitted by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 18, 2009 - 10:33am.

The road can be indeed difficult and hurtful. But the main aspect is to realize what his profound attitude toward you is. Does he feel that you are second in line, or does he take you to be first in his heart and his wishes. Love is enough for the long run; but love is not a miracle that can immediately overcome all obstacles. Sometimes time is so valuable in doing so. He may do now more choices than you do, since his situation may be more complex. In this case, I would believe that patience is of value (of course, specific details unknown to me in your case may indicate that I am wrong.)

trust love

Submitted by Alo on May 18, 2009 - 7:23pm.

Sadness is often part of the way to happiness. The most important thing is whether you believe he still deeply loves you. And if you do, you should interpret his present choices in this manner, even if they are incomprehensible to you at this moment. Trust your love.

but what is a happy ending - and who gets it?

Submitted by Anonymous on May 17, 2009 - 11:50am.

I feel strongly about this... I too am madly involved in a man, but he's having a baby with someone else! Here is the situation: I'm 45 - he is 38. We have been friends for 6 years - the friendship sloooowly developing into something more, a soulmateship - and from my side at least love. But I'm married with two children, and he has no family. And So last year he found Ann, and now they are excpecting... They are very much in trouble , and fight a lot - they hardly know each other, but they want it to work. And yet, I feel that he is much more comfortable with me - and yes he flirts and send amourous signals ...
I am now divorcing my husband, since I have realised that my feelings belong elsewhere - but... My morality bids me to not move on my feelings for this man - I think that having a baby should bind this two people together for at leat some years.. But! My heart aches... What do you all think of this?

your choice

Submitted by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 17, 2009 - 6:46pm.

There is no one solution to all complex situations. It is only you who can judge the significance of these details concerning his and your attitudes. I do wish you the best of luck in finding the right way to happiness and love.