I think for men you are 100% right on. For women, as you mention above, it is far more complicated. Putting aside the socio-economic "I gave you sex = now you owe me security" line of thinking that most women still adhere to(and many men equally feel is part of the deal), what do you think of "being valued" as the deepest of reasons for the female need to be connected? As a 12-year-old male relative mentioned years ago to me about the difference between men and women, "Girls are innies and boys shoot it out." Women, pull in,having been entered are left carrying the evidence inside of themselves,even with the greatest of orgasms. While the success of men is to expel their emotions along with the ejaculate. Does that make sense? Or am I simplifying men?

Hmm...good point. See, I think that both genders need to be connected. The type of connection is different, though, based on the peculiarities--including the neurotic peculiarities--of both genders. Here's a man's view of connection: Antoine St. Exupery once said something like--"Love is not 2 people staring into each other's eyes, but 2 people standing side by side looking together into the future." That's connection, too. The issue is how this plays out in sex. I don't think men expel their emotions in sex. Their sexual pleasure, though, depends more than it does for women, on connecting WHILE STILL BEING SEPARATE (OFTEN VIA OBJECTIFICATION)....still a connection, but made safe through psychic difference...

Your point that women need to know the man didn't simply f*ck them, and men need to know they can do just that, is spot on. Often, a man simply needs release. Asking a man to make every sexual experience a drawn-out, laborious affair with lots of fore- and afterplay is ridiculous.

By the same token, women need intimacy frequently, and giving that intimacy only after sex is just as ridiculous. While I disagree with your Freudian explanation, I think you have descibred the dilemma perfectly.

As a psychoanalytically trained therapist, I would like to add that cuddling is a need of the oral stage of development, which mature individuals are supposed to have more or less outgrown. Anyway, I think that there are many more factors than the one you mentioned involved in some women's need for cuddling on "attention" after sex, one of them being that they take a little longer to cool off.(Not having had an orgasm is one of them.)

Anyway, I think we shouldn't over-generalize, especially as therapists. From my clinical experience, but also my personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that there are as many men and women who like to cuddle after sex as there are not, and gender distinctions are not so clear. The same people may like to cuddle at certain times, while at other times they may prefer to turn on their side, withdraw into their personal world and sink into a satisfied sleep.

What a load of pop-psych claptrap. And opens it wide open for some "psychological" excuse for men to be pricks. "Oh, men and women, they're just from different planets!" Ugh. If we all start with the "I yam what I yam" position, then what's the point of even discussing such things? "Boys will boys." Whatever. Grow up.

If you're going to have sex with someone you care for, have sex *with* them. I mean, sure, there's always some objectification in men's minds, but not involving the other partner and serving the "sometimes men just need a release" excuse *can* feel degrading. For Christ's sake, go jerk off if you don't want someone else involved.

I'm a man, and I love to cuddle. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes not. But, in my book, it's pretty much mandatory *after* sex. Maybe not for long, but there's got to be some sort of affirmation of intimacy.

A lot of times, sex is about sharing a physical connection, admitting we both need human intimacy. And it's not about feeling safe or having reassurance that he won't go screw someone else next time—I've had my share of one-night stands, and been completely fine with knowing that, even in advance. Call me crazy, but I enjoy sex because it feels good to be close to someone, to share in touch and proximity.

Being that close to someone helps me remember I'm human and how important that human-to-human bond is, even if, in some cases, it's only fleeting.

Having sex to establish *distance*?? Whatever.

Ok...so is there something wrong with me...???
I cant help it...
I have always loved to cuddle...
I was clinging to my mom's leg when I was a child...
I love the feeling to hold hands and cuddle...
I am a cuddaholic...
there is something inside me that craves to cuddle...
so does that make me weird to want to hold a woman...
and want to snuggle up to her and love all over her...
I could cuddle day and night...
cuddle falling asleep...
love that...
I love to cuddle at restaurants...
watching movies...
after sex...
it seems women nowadays dont want a man like this...
I wish I could find a woman who loves to cuddle...
I love to hold hands too...
so why am I built this way...???

I am a man. I have been with my partner for a few years. We both have what we consider a healthy love for each other; it is not the gleaming, fierce romantic masterpiece of movies, but we are very close, can spend hours talking, enjoy each other's company, share hobbies yet have other hobbies of our own, and our sex is great; we spend a lot of time on it, she averages 2.5 orgasms, and reports being "completely satisfied." I would have to agree.

With that said, immediately after I am done with my orgasm, I feel no desire to be close with her. In the first few minutes afterwards, I usually feel more like going to the refrigerator and grabbing a snack. The desire I felt before and during sex vanishes completely in less than 30 seconds after orgasm, usually within 10 seconds. As far as I can tell when attempting to analyze my feelings and thoughts regarding her and this issue, it has nothing to do with a fear that it is not "ok" to simply have sex. I do have a tendency to desire distance, she does have a tendency to desire closeness, and in speaking for myself, I think the statement you quoted by Antoine St. Exupery, "Love is not 2 people staring into each other's eyes, but 2 people standing side by side looking together into the future" is very true of the way I feel about our relationship. I am a man of relatively mild emotion, and through the course of our relationship (with many admittedly bumpy periods of time and learning), we have both come to accept the differing ways we express our care, and as such we understandingly accommodate each other even when it is against our impulses.

Despite my lack of desire afterwards*, I snuggle up close to her and hold her anyway; I know that after about 5 minutes or so, the initial lack of interest in physical contact rapidly diminishes, and I feel the desire to cuddle with her, reflect on the sex, and talk.

* (which in turn equates to a preference not to cuddle, since it restricts doing anything else that I do have a desire to do)

I want to emphasize that this lack of desire immediately after orgasm feels very physiological to me. It appears quickly, it is soon gone, and it doesn't affect my disposition towards doing other activities with her, only romantic ones. I've made this post to suggest that - at the minimum and based on my own personal experience - for some men in stable relationships, the desire to "have a cigarette" after the deed may largely be physiological instead of psychological, and therefore not necessarily an indicator of the man's view of or level of care for his partner.

this is just so funny couldn't stop laughing, & couldn't decide if it was the longed for wisdom, or just the despairing restatement of stereotypal actions- so maybe its the uncertainty that is funny ( a dancing on mother's grave maybe?), or my unexpected comfort with the uncertainty thats comfortingly so humorous- now, humor and gender, thats another topic maybe?-

I'm curious how the explaination for this would differ if it was the other way around? If the man wanted the intimacy and closeness afterwards, and the woman just wanted to disengage?