I teach at a university in Florida and the over involvement of parents with my students has become rather disturbing. Semesters will go by where the student him/herself will refuse to speak with me, yet their mother will call 3 to 4 times a week to handle their questions, concerns, issues with the course. It truly upsets me to see how these "helicopter parents" have refused to allow their, not children, but YOUNG ADULTS to avoid handling life. Failures and upsets are the worst. Parents who live on the other side of the country will swear up and down that their son or daughter was in class, when I was there... I know they weren't. If they fail a quiz, I am bombarded with phone calls and emails from moms and dads asking for a second chance or telling me that I am attempting to fail them on purpose. I'm a professor, I relish in my students' success, not in their failures. If anyone with a college student reads this, I beg you to give them space, they'll thank you for it. Allow them to find their own balance.

This post brings to mind Alice Miller's discourse on the Good Enough Mother, which includes a description of the Good Mother and the Bad Mother. Interested readers might want to take a look at Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child", or, for a thumbnail interpretation, the article "How We Experience Parenting Can Influence the Development of Various Personality and Social Styles" found on this site.

Michael

I'm surprised anyone would be jumping to defend "helicopter parents" with any sort of logic. To me, such a reaction seems like a purely defensive one - perhaps some parents see elements of their parenting in the descriptions of helicopter parents, and so perceive it as an attack on their ego and concoct some 'logic' to defend their insecurities.

I wonder, though, if there will be a backlash against these trends when the children eventually grow up (if they do) and realize that they would have been better off without so much interference. I also wonder the extent to which the university-aged kids, such as those described by Ms. Lola above, are actually running crying to their parents to interfere, or if it's the parents of their own will deciding (against the child's urging) that they need to call the "mean professor."

Either way, it's a sad state of affairs. I used to think sometimes that I was coddled too much myself, but when I read about the extent of "helicopter parents" in some reports, I am shocked by the lengths parents go to in order to vicariously seek their do-over for their own unsatisfied lives. Maybe if people learned to be more satisfied with what they already have (difficult in our culture), they'd be less prone to this type of behaviour...

I've always been strongly opposed to helicopter parenting, to this fretting over children and never letting them try things, but at the same times scheduling a million approved activities that stress children out, but I admit, seeing the words 'nine year old' 'alone' and 'subway' scared the hell out of me. When I walk to and from school, and see young children in uniforms walking by themselves, I wonder what on earth their parents are thinking. But at the same time- I'm 17, and a girl in my year was almost forced into a car by a strange man on her way home from school, so I feel a little justified by it. I'm sure the constant drama of what can happen to kids in the media is a large part of my own- and that of the people who panicked on hearing Lenore Skenazy's story.
I'm torn by "that must've helped that boy be so proud of himself and sure of his own abilities, she must've been a brave mother to be so certain of him," and "pedophiles, kidnappers, murders, subway station gaps, drug addicts, ohgodohgodohgod!" I know which opinion makes more sense, and if I had been on that subway I'm sure myself and half the passengers would be watching that kid like a hawk, but the overwelming worry is so strong. If I was a mother, I could trust my child- but not the world.

It's times like this I'm thankful for the over-the-top security devices, those kid's phones that hold a few numbers, and can be tracked by parents cells... I suppose a generation of 'helicopter parents' wouldn't be so bad, if just like helicopters, they watched, but didn't interfere.

the probability of your child being snatched by a pedophile unknown to him or her is way smaller than that of being killed in a car accident, I suspect. Still, we all drive our kids to school every day and don't think twice about it. It is all in the perception of risk, and the false sense of control over some outcomes and not others.

It's a struggle, finding the right balance. Don't be too hard on yourself, or your kids. What works for one family might not be right for another, and we need to give each other some slack. And don't forget to enjoy the kids, they really are the best fun money can't buy.

I think you are able to put 'playing' on your resume as long as you are committed to it. For example Boy Scouts spend most of the time playing, it goes on the first resume. Just making sure you child spins it right and prepared to be asked about you've done your job (as a parent).

My husband is a helicopter parent, and I would be fine putting a nine year old on the subway if they showed signs of being prepared for it. I would have gotten lost and spent the money on ice cream.

The core issue here is not "whether we are protecting or over protecting" our children. The question is "what are your efforts aimed at"? I think too many parents are trying to make sure their child avoids all the mistakes they made by imposing restrictions. What growing, "trying to find out who they are" child is going to respond positively or gain maturity from that. I was appalled to read the comment from Florida about university parents. When will we let go? The longer you wait, the more infantile your child becomes and he may start to rely on you instead of internalizing those "lessons". First and foremost, we must remember that our job as a parent is to send them into the world with the skills that allow them to be successful, happy and capable of thinking and making good decisions. Every step we take as we raise our kids has to be from that perspective. Where do you think part of the "entitlement" and "dependent" mentalities come from? If that is how we raise them, that is how they will turn out!