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Value is "the human cobweb," as Jerome Kagan aptly put it. To know anything about spiders, you have to understand the one thing that makes them unlike all other insects: They make cobwebs. To know about human beings you have to grasp our ability to make things important to us - above and beyond survival utility - and worthy of appreciation, time, energy, effort, and sacrifice. You must understand our ability and our drive to create value. Read More
influential article
This article is so helpful. It's reassuring too see my depression as a motivation tool rather than a symptom of unworthiness. Could you explain some more about how we can go about translating our negative emotions into positive motivation and value?
Emotions and Value
Negative emotions signal violation, loss, or ignorance of deeper values. First determine the most important things to and about you and how you might be violating or ignoring them or mourning loss of someone or something of value.
There are eight broad dimensions of value: basic humanity, meaning and purpose, love, spirituality, sense of community, connection to nature, creative arts or crafts (appreciating or making them), and compassionate experience/behavior. Emotional investment in any of these areas will alleviate negative emotions.
Depression has many causes, some of them physiological. But whatever the cause, low value investment exacerbates it; increased value investment alleviates it. The psychological principle is incompatible response strategy, i.e., the more you value, the less you can devalue and feel devalued.
There is lots of free information on our website, plus a .pdf book for sale: Building Core Value. http://compassionpower.com.
Value Cobweb
Why do humans have this innate human drive to create value? Is this unique to humans? How do you humans become valuable?
How can I be true to my values now...
Steven, great blog!
As I try to live a life of significance characterized by meaning, joy and gratitude, I find I must continuously strive to be true to my values. One step in my search is to focus on the present and those that I can directly impact.
As I describe in my book, "My Saluda Seasons", I experience meaning, joy and happiness when I focus on what i call the "Five F's", Family, Friends, Faith, Future and Fun. The influence of our legacy starts with how we treat those around us. We are in this together.
This makes a lot of sense!
This makes a lot of sense! Here's how it applies to me. I tried to be the person I thought my husband wanted me to be. Even so, I felt that I did not live up to his expectations, and I became very resentful. I was unhappy because he couldn't seem to love me for who I am. Eventually we came close to splitting up. In fact, I'm not exactly sure why he didn't leave me. He did not (and does not) seem interested in working on our marriage even though he changed his mind about staying/leaving. In the meantime, I started doing the things that were important to me. I feel so much better about myself. I'm no longer a bitter resentful person, even though my husband and I are not really close any more. I assume though that I am easier to live with because I've stopped making sarcastic remarks and don't bother criticizing him much any more. I don't know how to make our marriage better, but I also know that I cannot change him. Thus, I've decided to live by the values that are important to me.
There is a lot of free
There is a lot of free information on http://compassionpower.com
You might also take a look at How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It, referenced there.
Best wishes
I have your book, and I
I have your book, and I thought I had read it. But when I decided to "look through it again" I discovered I either have a very poor memory or never read it in the first place. Maybe I thought it was too late... I feel that way now. My husband and I are classic examples from your book. We have been disconnected for so long that it's almost hard to remember a time when we were connected. We went to therapy, and the counselor told us to learn to ask for what we wanted. I told my husband I wanted a hug every day. He said that's not who he is but agreed to do it. He made it seem so distasteful, that I gave up.
Where there's pain, there's life
It may be too late; as a chain of resentment usually binds interactions when intimates have been disconnected for a long time. Resentment requires a determined effort at self-regulation and a decision that the potential of the relationship is valuable enough to do the hard work of recovery.
You may also be the victim of facile advice: “ask for what you want.” It is almost always anxiety and shame blocking connection. Asking for what you want tends to stimulate both. Here’s the good news: his shame indicates that he is failing to live up to his own standards of the kind of partner he wants to be. That’s what you want to ask for – him to be the partner he most deeply wants to be while you are the partner you most deeply want to be. You might consider one of the boot camps. http://compassionpower.com/Anger%20Management%20Emotional%20Abuse%20Boot...
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