Mood Swings

A Psychiatrist Surveys the Mind and the Wider World

Dr. Nassir Ghaemi, MD, MPH is director of the mood disorders and psychopharmacology programs in the department of psychiatry at Tufts Medical Center in Boston. See full bio

April 8, 2009, Relationships

Comments on "When she wants a divorce"

When she wants a divorce

By Dr. Nassir Ghaemi on April 8, 2009 in Mood Swings

Recently I received a two sentence email from a college friend:

"On Friday Louise told me she wants a divorce. Do you think this can be salvaged?"

Depression

Submitted by David Petropoulos on April 8, 2009 - 1:03pm.

Another impressive posting! Someone so obsessional about work should be considered for serious depression. Such accumulative stress could lead to psychotic behavior,keep a close eye out for your friend. Sincerely,David

depression

Submitted by Dr. Nassir Ghaemi on April 9, 2009 - 12:55pm.

Thank you David for this comment. I will add that I have known him well for many years, and he has also been evaluated by mental health professionals, who have concluded, and I agree, that he certainly has not had any psychotic symptoms, and even full clinical major depression criteria have never been met. On the other hand, although some milder depressive symptoms could be present, I see this situation as mainly related to cultural and interpersonal, rather than mainly biological, factors.

Also, as the other blog comments point out, one can also see the possible beneficial effects of this kind of crisis, as described in the Divorce Busting blog on Psychology Today (http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting), which also describes the walkaway wife syndrome.

So true. I am 24 and my

Submitted by Anonymous on April 8, 2009 - 1:04pm.

So true. I am 24 and my parents are just now getting divorced, however I can look back ten years and see the signs. Divorce doesn't just happen to people, it builds and builds until it just explodes. And maybe one partner is surprised by it, but usually that means they were oblivious, not that there weren't signs. My own father spent the majority of my childhood and teen years travelling the world for business. While some couples may be able to weather distance for a short time if there is a clear end date, I don't think any relationship can survive prolonged absence with no end in sight.

I suppose fortunately for me, I am especially aware of the status of my own relationship, careful to never take it for granted. Because when you start expecting one person to tolerate your distracted attention, they will not be there for long.

never say never, legal eagle

Submitted by kim snew on April 8, 2009 - 5:47pm.

I think many therapists have a fatalistic approach to this situation. My husband was a "workoholic" also, not running from us but trying in earnest to be a "successful" family in SoCal. So after 11 years of trying to make changes (and i do blame myself partly in not hitting him over the head earlier), came what he now says was the best day of his life - the day I asked for a divorce. As Dr. Ghami says, he was "awake". Some of the most meaningful discussion of our entire marriage took place, both with and without a therapist, over the next 3 months, and he realized that everything thought he was working for, me and the kids, he had all the time. Our new marriage of 2 years has brought us to a special relationship with real love between two human beings that we would have never had had we kept trudging along, or if i had left. The point is, in all these dark clouds, there are rainbows. Hope your friend is as lucky as we were/ ks