Domestic Intelligence

From surly teens to tough mothers-in-law, how to understand what's going on in your family.

Dr. Terri Apter is Senior Tutor at Newnham College, University of Cambridge. Her most recent book is The Sister Knot (2007). Her personal website is terriapter.com. See full bio

March 16, 2009, Parenting

Comments on "Sisters: love and rivalry"

Sisters: love and rivalry

By Dr. Terri Apter on March 16, 2009 in Domestic Intelligence

Sibling squabbles are a familiar part of family life, but the mind-shaping importance of the passionate mix of love and rivalry is often ignored. Read More

What about brothers(boys)

Submitted by mbamse on March 16, 2009 - 7:24am.

What about brothers(boys) relationship? Is it the same?

brothers, and sisters

Submitted by Dr. Terri Apter on March 17, 2009 - 2:14am.

This is an important follow on question. Brothers, like sisters, experience both love and rivalry; but in brothers the rivalry is often expressed more directly. Competition is seen as part of companionship and solidarity, whereas sisters often feel extremely uncomfortable with their envy. They are more likely to bury feelings of envy. They also may feel more threatened by the basic structure of envy, which is really a fear of losing love to someone who is like you, but more admirable than you. I should write a piece outlining the differences between brothers and sisters. Thank you for your comment.

Mainly you're saying that

Submitted by mbamse on March 21, 2009 - 7:06am.

Mainly you're saying that boys/brothers are more competitive and they use to express their feelings through competition. They don't keep the envy inside, like girls/sisters :)

I should write a piece outlining the differences between brothers and sisters.

You should do it, i think it would be interesting

One sided envy

Submitted by SA on May 9, 2009 - 11:10am.

I was wondering how often envy is one sided amongst sisters? Surely there must be a lot of girls and women who consider themselves to be better than their sister, so they don't feel their sister is any competition to them at all?

one-sided envy

Submitted by Dr. Terri Apter on May 10, 2009 - 11:45am.

There is an important difference between considering yourself to be better than you sister and not envying her. some sister in my studies were convinced of their own superiority, yet would betray envy if their sister had any success - such as a job promotion, or even a car upgrade. Then, there were some very successful sisters who were actually jealous of a less successful sister; after all, she might be a "better" daughter or mother, or she might be happier. One-sided envy of course occurs, and I am glad you brought this up. It sometimes shocks and saddens a girl or woman to discover that the sister she wants to love and project burns with envy towards her. But the crucial point is that envy may be only one element in a sister-bond, and envy does not always destroy love.

Sibling Envy (sisters)

Submitted by Martine on September 30, 2009 - 6:13am.

Hello Dr Apter
I've experience one sided envy from both my sister's recently but from one in particular all my life, she never makes contact other than to boast of her achievements, purchases, holiday or the achievments of her family or to sublimly put me down or critise me and my achievements (I'm a recent social work graduate and single mother) She has visited my home twice in twenty years, making very little contact with my nine year old daughter, who I must admit I tend to limit contact also. To be honest I've now given up on whatever relationship I had hoped we could forge together, am I right in doing so or should I still try? To be honest I just now so reluctant to even call her as sometimes her sniping is beginning to hurt.