I appreciate this article tremendously. I am the husband of an emotionally and verbally abusive wife, and am trying to not let that (and her) define who I am. But how to go about doing these things? Especially when I am in this destructive relationship? I don't want to leave, not yet, but I'd appreciate some insight in how to grow as a person within the context of this relationship.

All I can say is Wow, as the tears well up inside. I do need to see myself as valuable and stop tolerating my husbands abuse. Last year I was told by a councelor that he is a typical batterer with a narcissitic personality disorder. My husband believes he is just fine. I recently asked him to attend the boot camp in January, he does not feel the need. I know in my heart that it will help us both, for we are in a bad way right now- its our only hope in these very dark times. Pray for us.
Thanks, Terri in Montana

I noticed that within the article (which I really got a lot out of and appreciate) that there might be a bias that women are the abused ones. Well, there are cases when the male is the one who is abused, I just wanted to remind everyone of this. Especially a male therapist. I've encountered gender bias with regard to this problem. In trying to report abuse to others there have been times when my problem has been dismissed, made light of, etc. I have found someone who actually believes me and is helping me but it did take a while. So for those guys who are in a similar spot, keep going until you find someone who is open minded enough to help.

arggg posted that before it was ready.......!! and generally my dad just used to emotionally abuse my mum all the time, but now I am older I can see his reasons for doing so and even feel sorry for him. I just cant understand how two people could be as stupid as my parents were. There is no excuse for how they behaved and sometimes it makes me feel sick that I might be like them and I hope to God that I am my own person and am not like them....the last thing I want is to look in the mirror and be reminded of their foolishness, weakness and general stupidity and uselessness at everything.
I know this sounds very harsh but I thought writing this would get it out, and it has - i am polite to them everyday and very rarely show what I really feel about this. I doubt they would even remember. From age 5 upwards my mum used to spend ALL weekend in bed and my dad would watch TV ALL day. I was alone with no interaction for hours eveey day even at 6 yrs old and I wasnt allowed to meet kids from my road, so me and my brother were lonely and sad prisoners in our own home. There are few outlets for my rage at how they failed to step up and be parents to us, so thankyou psychologytoday for providing one. I definitely need to stop identifying as a victim though, as anyone reading this can probably tell, I have done enough of that already.

ON NO!!! my 1st post didnt show up and all you ppl got was my second one and it makes me sound like a whiny brat....well im not re-writng it but they:
1/Didnt use to buy much food so I would go to school hungry and have to steal money or from the school canteen
2/when I ran away from home and was subequently found they never asked me why I did it, in fact they acted like everything was fine.
3/When I broke my leg aged 12 they didnt help me get ready for school, I got up alone, got dressed alone and hobbled to the door alone.
4/ and a tonne of other stuff but they used to argue infront of us the whole time and I saw my dad drunk nearly every night.....but this article does help me see that despite how unbelieveably useless and unworthy of us my parents were, I have to move on and stop identifying as a victim. Its a false identification because we havent known any different for a long time, but they are absolutely right when they say that to recover you have to stop. I had begun to suspect that myself and thisjust confirmed it.