Why People Trust the Good-Looking, Even When They Shouldn't

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Clinical and empirical research provides insights into what people look for in romantic relationships and what enables a relationship to sustain. Some seek to find that elusive soul mate; others want to adopt the “secrets” of successful couples or hope for the ingredients for sustaining a relationship through challenging times–like during the pandemic we’ve been living through.

It’s also useful to see the downside to what appears to be the exciting, energizing relationship you’ve been looking for. That is, how what looks good can be deceptive.

Two new, unrelated research studies provide helpful information about just that. The empirical findings coincide with clinical research and into sources of emotional and sexual attraction that can lead to eventual regret, even depression, for a partner within the relationship.

Glued to an Attractive Image

A typical example: A person is initially attracted to a prospective partner by their attractiveness, by what the person “sees,” at first sight. It might be just physical attractiveness or an image of outward success–financial, career, or social status. It’s a turn-on, and the attractive person appears sincere and trustworthy. A nice “package.” But, over time, the image crumbles. Behind the façade may be less than what appeared. For example, the person is less reliable in the relationship, perhaps dishonest about their convictions or intent. In more extreme cases, corrupt or abusive. And yet, the partner sticks with them, despite it all.

Why do some people continue to “believe” in the originally appearing attractive qualities of a partner when those features are found to be misleading or false? A new study from Cornell University published in the British Journal of Psychology sheds light on one possible reason. The researchers designed an experiment to test the “halo effect” in such relationships. That is the assumption that physically attractive and successful people are “better” than others. For example, they are perceived to be more trustworthy, honest, or intelligent. They sought to find if it holds up or changes or if the person's reality contradicts the initial impression.

They created an experiment that induced a change in reality. It used financial investment “partners” that participants chose based on who they found more attractive. The researchers found that participants continued to prefer investing with the attractive partner even when that partner lost money with subsequent investments. Moreover, they continued to prefer the attractive partner–despite continuing evidence of loss.

According to the researchers, the findings suggested that people may use attractiveness as a signal of trustworthiness and rely on it. And yes, continue “believing” in the person, even in the face of evidence that contradicts what they believe.

Of course, these findings reflect an artificial situation conducted with college student participants. However, they’re consistent with what we regularly see from clinical research. For example, a person is drawn into a relationship highly charged by the new partner’s physical qualities and/or material success. Then, if the partner’s trustworthiness or truthfulness proves far less than it appeared–and contradicts the initial image the person was attracted to–“belief’ in the partner’s image persists, and the relationship becomes more troubled. Needless to say, that kind of situation becomes the subject of much psychotherapy, both individual and couples. The deeper psychological issue is what disables a person from seeing beyond or through the initial façade of attractive qualities; what inhibits learning more about the real qualities or character of the person? And what would that awareness lead to?

Sexually Attracted by Moral Outrage

Another recent study looked at how the expression of moral outrage about some issue or principle becomes sexually attractive to a prospective partner. It can lead to a highly eroticized relationship, in which the moral outrage becomes the shared core. But, like the previous study, this one also suggested how that can become destructive for some people or a relationship.

The research published in the journal Emotion from the Univesity of Arkansas looked at how people who look for a long-term relationship respond to a prospective partner who displays moral outrage.

They asked participants to rate the attractiveness of fictional dating prospects who varied in their expression of moral outrage about particular issues and their commitment to acting on their outrage. The findings were that people who displayed moral outrage were considered more appealing and desirable as a partner than those who didn’t display outrage. But the study also found that continued attraction required that the prospective dating partner act upon the outrage, not just talk about it.

The researchers suggested that all talk and no action might raise questions about the person’s sincerity or raise concerns about emotional issues that underlie inaction. That might make the person less attractive as a dating partner or relationship potential.

Also significant, though, is recognizing the positive and negative paths for a relationship in which the partnership becomes highly eroticized by moral outrage. The new partner shares the commitment and the action. Moral outrage can grow into an encompassing ideology or a movement. Or, more extremely, into a cult. Attraction to someone’s passion and commitment to a principle, a cause, or ideological movement can be the fuel for an eroticized relationship. But, on the other hand, the new partner may become aligned with the movement and a committed participant in it, oneself. And that can lead to committed, positive action towards serving clear principles and aims–but not the ego-glorification of the participants.

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But the latter can happen: The partner in a relationship that became sexualized around the “cause” may find that the person they were attracted to has become deformed psychologically. Their capacity for mutual, supportive, and loving relationships fades as their actions become more ego-fulfilling, more about themselves.

A good illustration of this is found in Nobel Laureate Doris Lessing’s series of semi-autobiographical novels, Children of Violence. In one, the character realizes that her lover has become disconnected from a meaningful emotional-sexual relationship as equal partners. For him, the sexual dimension had become his focus, almost his identity, at the expense of the human relationship or the aim of the political movement.

Sliding Into Relationship Depression

Attraction to a person’s exterior image or the expression of moral outrage can lead to a deformed relationship. That adds another dimension to understanding why the experience of a relationship over time can generate depression.

That is, partners, grow, change–or don’t, over time. As a result, either one may begin to see the other through a different lens. For example, their view of their partner’s character, values, or commitments may now appear different from who they portrayed themselves to be earlier in the relationship. Moreover, either partner may have personally evolved in a direction no longer compatible with or attractive to the other. That can generate depression by how it impacts the partner, and what they do or don’t do with that awareness becomes key to greater psychological health–in or out of the relationship.

Those changes in a relationship and how the partner deals with them are a source of relationship depression, per se. That’s important to recognize, in addition to the more usual sources, such as abuse, long-distance relationships, or infidelity–although clinical evidence shows that some affairs serve a psychologically healthy purpose.

Relationships are complex and forever interwoven with the surrounding cultural, political, and social forces in which we live and seek happiness and purpose in our lives.

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