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After talking to literally thousands of powerful men over the years, I have decided to both speak for them and share some clinical wisdom. The need for this series is a direct result of the fact that men come less frequently for psychological services and accordingly have to figure these things out for themselves or learn from other boneheads. To quote Tony Montana from Scarface, “First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the women.”
So let’s start with the religion du jour, money! It has been said that we have more intense emotions surrounding this topic than even sex. Money means different things to different folks, but can often involve issues of self-worth, ambition, security, status and practical resources. In the self-worth or self-esteem arena, people often confuse who they are with how much money they have or make. Obsessiveness around bad financial decisions can torment us for years. We often think in black and white terms and label ourselves as winners or losers. Money is also often related to status and sets the stage for aggressive competition and overspending on luxury items to project a sense of class. How often do we create unnecessary stress in our lives by overleveraging and having too much overhead … literally “over our heads?”
To illustrate [somewhat graphically] the connection between money and self-esteem, I have to mention the Wall Street trader who came in complaining about intermittent erectile dysfunction. As you might imagine, daily logs indicated that his trading successes were 100 percent correlated with penile tumescent ratings!
Money has always reinforced behavior. Why else would most of us get up and go to work. However, financial expectations can get vague, out of control, and often change. Questions like “How much do you need?” “What is rich?” “Do I have enough FU money?” Needless to say, this self-generated dissatisfaction is often seen as valuable in motivating us. In reality, it simply leaves us lacking in contentment. With others, money is to be hoarded and saved to create a sense of security. Being cheap has never made anyone popular. I still remember a Chinese family whose college-aged daughter had a psychiatric crisis. Initially they were confused by her giving away her clothes and prized possessions. There is a Chinese saying: “Have a lot of money, keep it to oneself, have no friends. Have a lot of money, give it away, have many friends.” Accordingly, they initially thought that she was simply being generous as opposed to having a meltdown. When you equate money with security, you are going to spend a lot of time worrying about money and fighting with your old lady about her spending, which we will discuss later.
Let me conclude with what I hope is the take home message. Money provides us with resources and allows us to live better. Money can’t buy you love and a whole lot of other things. All the research shows no increase in happiness with increased income above the middle class level. The richest people I know are often pursued by others for money and spend too much time actually thinking and worrying about their money. Enjoy your life whether you are driving a Toyota or a Mercedes and don’t forget what really matters. Don’t hang with women who want your dough and try living on the cheap periodically. Don’t be a victim to the societal messages we are exposed to on multiple levels. For instance, if you have tons of cash, you are welcome at The White House and most clubs, even if you made it selling cigarettes. Last but not least, don’t spoil your frigging kids. They will only grow up to be miserable, entitled, self-centered brats, with no frustration tolerance skills. Let them develop self-esteem [as Aristotle realized] through accomplishment. We need to literally “give less and expect more from our kids.”
Next time, we will talk about how to make money.
