How to Close the Gap Between You and Your Partner

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Sometimes you just can’t relate to your partner even when you can intellectually understand what they are saying or doing. But the more fully you can empathically experience your partner’s inner world (not just understand it intellectually), the more likely their actions will make emotional sense—even when you don’t agree with them. When you can honestly connect with their experience and see the world through their eyes, the two of you will have a better chance of coming together to address any topic.

To learn how to more fully empathize with your partner, my book, Insecure in Love offers the following exercise.

Getting to Know Your Partner From the Inside Out

Do the following when your partner is talking with you about an experience. It could be anything from going fishing to mourning the death of a parent, but it is advisable to practice on topics that are not a source of conflict.

Do:

• Give your partner all of your attention.
• Tell your partner you’re interested in hearing about the topic.
• At appropriate times, ask for more detail or explanation so you can really “get it” (the facts and their thoughts and their feelings).
• Note nonverbal cues for a better sense of the intensity and quality of their experience.
• Be open to their perspective, particularly when it doesn’t match yours.

Don't:

• Multitask (not even to just look at that incoming text).
• Interrupt, unless you are confused and need clarification.
• Assume you know what they are thinking or feeling.
• Try to solve a problem (unless you are asked to).
• Tell them they’re wrong about the facts or their experience.

This exercise is simple, but you may find that it is not so easy. You may be distracted or want to argue with a point. You may want to fix the problem. But keep redirecting yourself back to the task of working to fully understand and relate to their experience.

If you get frustrated with their emotional response when logic dictates a different perspective, remind yourself of your own emotional reactions. We humans like to think we are logical, but we have all had emotional reactions that only make sense when we fully understand what is motivating them, though that motivation may relate to distantly past experiences. For instance, you may think it is ridiculous when you see someone extremely afraid of a relatively small and docile dog, such as a friendly beagle. But when you learn that they were violently attacked by a dog a decade ago, you might then suddenly “get it.” Your empathy comes from more fully understanding.

Still, when your partner is being maddeningly illogical or hurtful, it can be extremely difficult to put your feelings aside as you listen. It often helps to recognize what’s happening and choose to step back emotionally, as I explain in this brief video, "How to Listen Without Interrupting."

Creating More Harmony in Your Relationship

Though you may struggle to stay calm and understand your partner, keep trying. Practice being open to their experience. With time, your efforts will pay off. You will feel closer to your partner and they will feel closer to you. When conflicts arise, you will understand your partner’s perspective better—even if you still don’t agree. And overall, your relationship will blossom as you get to know your partner from the inside out.