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Brad, a slim, small man with dark curly hair that hung down to his shoulders, sat on the couch close to me and announced, “I think I’m a sex addict.”
“Why do you think that?”
Unabashed, he said, “Not only do I watch a lot of porno, but I undress every woman with my eyes.”
“Only with your eyes?” I quipped.
Sitting up straight, he said, “No, that’s just the beginning. I tell them whatever it takes to get them to bed with me.”
“Are you successful?” I asked.
His back went from straight to a slump. “I thought so, but now I’m turning 39 and I realize I’ve never had a real relationship.”
“What do you mean by a real relationship?” I inquired.
“I want someone with whom I can have good conversations, date, and do fun things.” He said matter-of-factly.
I asked, “How about love?”
“Yes, I want love, but I’ve never been in love,” he said sadly.
“Where do you meet these sex partners?” I wondered.
His dark eyes danced as he said. “I’m a poker player and I meet them at the tables. Atlantic City is fun, and there are underground poker tables near where I live. There are lots of places.”
I inquired, “Are these women you meet also poker players?”
“Some are, but I just met a stunning dealer. She has a child, is smart, and is working her way through law school.” He smiled broadly.
I asked, “Are you attracted to her?”
His smile faded as he said, “Not really, but we do talk. She’s interesting.”
I suggested, “Why not make a date with her.”
And a date, Brad made, which led to many more dates. In the following sessions he began to talk about the relationship.
“I really like Allie, but I have no sexual desire for her. I just can’t get aroused with her.” Disappointment registered in his face.
I inquired, “Do you still get aroused looking at other women?”
“Yeah, I do but it’s not like it used to be. I just don’t seem to get excited like I used to,” he said, downcast.
I asked, “Are you still watching porn?”
Excitement made its way as he said, “Yeah, and I sure get excited with the porn. I think I’m addicted to it.”
“The virtual porn desensitizes your brain and no one in real life can match that high,” I explained.
He came back with, “I know, I’ve read about it, and I’ve have cut down a lot.”
I said, “It takes time for the brain to calm down.”
“I’ll cut it out entirely. I like Allie a lot, but I don’t want sex with her and she’s insulted," he said.
I commented, “I can understand that.”
“She told me she feels undesirable and rejected. But I just can’t get it up with her.” He looked frustrated.
I suggested, “Tell me about Allie.”
He did just that: “Allie’s a tall, redhead, big breasted cool woman. She’s intelligent and has strong opinions on politics. She’s very liberal and I’m more middle of the road and don’t pay attention to politics. Allie’s a kind of feminist. She likes being independent, and she wanted a baby, so she picked a good looking, highly educated man to donate sperm. She never even met the dude.”
“She does sound independent,” I remarked.
He said, “In some ways she is, but not in others. She wants me to be in charge, to make plans for our dates, to throw her down on the floor and do it, to be the Alpha male.”
I asked, “How do you feel about that?”
Hesitantly he said, “I’m not the Alpha male type. She’s a voracious reader, and I don’t read. I never dated before so I don’t know how to make date plans, but she’s so good at it. We do cool things, like the zoo with her little girl, bike riding, sailing and stopping for lunch. But she wants me to make the plans. She tells me I’m not a real man.”
I was astonished, “Really?”
He responded with downcast eyes, “Yeah, really, and I feel like a loser.”
“Why are you with her then?” I asked.
He said, “I look up to her as she knows so much more than me.”
“You have a successful auto repair business with 25 employees, and you have good street smarts,” I said.
He sat up straight again, “In my business I take charge and feel like a real man but, not with her.”
“How do you feel with her?” I inquired.
His body language told the tale as he said, “I feel small, powerless, and puny.”
“If you feel small, how can you possibly get a big erection?” I verbalized the obvious.
Sinking even further, he said, “She’s becoming inpatient with me as I won’t have sex with her. But she’s my best friend and I love her. I’m stuck.”
I asked, “What do you need from Allie?”
“I need nurturing, to be taken care of. I think that’s what she needs too. Why can’t I perform sexually with her?” he asked.
I clarified, “The most erogenous zone in the body is the brain. It sounds to me that you feel emotionally and physically castrated so you are not able to perform sexually, yet you want to pursue this relationship. Let’s examine your childhood so you can get a better idea of what in your past is playing out now.”
In therapy we looked at his childhood scripts and how they were adaptive then, but not now. His parents were young when he was born. His mother was 17 and his father 18, uneducated, unemployed a lot, and ill prepared to parent a screaming baby. His mother cleaned houses and his father was an car mechanic, so they worked hard, drank hard, fought a lot, and barely had time for little Brad. He cried a lot and recalls finding his penis, playing with it, and feeling comforted.
His father was rough around the edges, controlling, critical of his mother and of Brad. His mother was passive, mild mannered, but not emotionally available. His father was the big daddy, the powerful one who left Brad feeling small and powerless. Looking for comfort, nurturing from his mother was futile as she was preoccupied with her own problems.
He did not get the validation from his critical father or the nurturing and comfort from his emotionally absent mother which he sought with Allie. His role as the powerless child with his father was familiar and played out in his adult relationship also. Brad kept repeating this dynamic of seeking nurturing and feeling like the small child with Allie. In analytic parlance this is known as “repetition compulsion.” Indeed, Brad was compelled to play the puny small child seeking his mother’s good breast in his current relationship with Allie. Unconsciously, he wished to finally get it right.
When Brad recognized what his motivation in the relationship was, he said he wanted to change. Science and his efforts were on his side. Current research shows that although repeated patterns of behavior create deeply entrenched neural pathways in the brain, with new experience we can create new pathways in the brain. So when we change our behavior we can change our brains.
And that’s exactly what Brad and I have been working at in therapy. He has begun to realize that he was not so small and powerless at all, that although he had little formal education he was intelligent, diligent, and a successful business man. He has also begun to see that Allie’s criticisms, like his father, were born out of insecurities and that he was not exactly a loser as he had seen himself.
Brad had found his voice, so that he confronts Allie when she is critical and she backs down. He is feeling more powerful in the relationship. He reports excellent erections and good sex with Allie. Things are on the rise.
For more on love, sex, and relationships, read my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011.
For Skype therapy: In the privacy and convenience of your home
Contact Dr. Fran: drfranpraver@cs.com
Website: www.drfranpraver.com
Email: drpraver@cs.com
