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Slim of body, meticulously groomed, Sari sat down carefully at the far end of the sofa. “Thank you for fitting me in at this late hour. It’s just that I work full time in Manhattan and have three children.”
“How old are your children?” I asked.
She smiled broadly. “I have a one year old, a three year old, and a five year old. They are terrific kids.”
“And you work in the city?” I reiterated.
Siting up straight, Sari said, “Yes, I’m an engineer with a huge firm. We build roads and bridges. And I love my job.”
“How do you manage it all?” I wondered.
She explained. “I’m organized so there’s a schedule for everything. I guess I’m a perfectionist.”
It sounds like you have it all, work and love.
Tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. I offered some tissues. She took them, dried her eyes, and folded them neatly. “I thought so also, but that’s not the case.”
“Uh huh…” I uttered.
“I thought my love life was good, but I found out Lyle is cheating on me.” Her tears resumed.
“Oh my. How’d you find out?” I asked.
She responded sadly, “I checked his cell phone.”
“Then you were suspicious.” I said.
She responded “Maybe I was. We fight a lot, yet I thought the marriage was great.”
I inquired, “What do you fight about?”
She pondered it and then said, “We’re different. Lyle is carefree and easy going, and I’m more intense.”
“That could work as you complement each other.” I commented.
She responded, “You’d think so, but Lyle complains a lot.”
I asked, “Is he critical?”
She said frankly “Actually, I’m more critical. I like things to be in order, whereas he’s a mess. He steps out of his shoes and leaves them on the floor. He brings food into bed which I think is disgusting.”
“So you have four children, including Lyle as the adult child.” I suggested.
A flash of anger crossed her face. “Exactly, but I don’t want to be his mother.”
‘How is your sex life with him?” I inquired.
“He wants sex anytime, anyplace like an adolescent. He complains that I’m not spontaneous.” Anger turned to sadness.
I asked, “Are you spontaneous?”
“Well I won’t have sex till the kids are asleep and we clean up after dinner. I can’t stand seeing dirty dishes.” She looked repulsed.
I inquired, “What comes to mind when you think of dirty dishes?”
“My mother,” she said, shuddering.
“Tell me about your mother.” I suggested.
She said, “She’s an alcoholic and the house was always a mess. I kept finding her empty booze bottles and throwing them out and fighting with her. Often, I’d come home from school and she was passed out drunk on the floor.”
“Oh my, that must have been tough for you.” I commiserated.
“It was terrible.” Her eyes fell to the floor.
“Tell me about your father,” I suggested.
Her face lit up a little. “Dad is a strong, successful man who cheated on Mom numerous times and they finally got divorced.”
“How old were you then?” I asked.
Her sadness returned, “I was young, maybe five. It was rough for us as my mom couldn’t hold a job. Dad sent child support but it was not enough, so we struggled financially as well.”
“It sounds like you don’t want to be anything like your mother. Where she couldn’t hold a job, you do so with a high paying job” I interpreted.
She said, “I see what you’re saying.”
I continued to interpret, “She was out of control and you’re in control at all times.”
“Kind of, “she said.
“How about when you make love, are you in control then?” I probed the delicate issue.
She looked confused. “I don’t know what you mean.”
I got to the point, “Do you reach orgasm?”
She responded sheepishly, “I don’t.”
I inquired further, “Have you ever reached orgasm in the past with Lyle or any other partners?”
“No I haven’t” She said.
I asked, “How about when you masturbate?”
Sari responded. “That’s no problem, as I always orgasm when I masturbate.”
I interpreted, “There’s no physiological problem. Indeed, the most erogenous zone in the body is the brain.”
“So it is all in my head.” She got it.
I responded, “Yes, it is. Who do you fantasize about when you bring yourself to climax?” I asked.
She sat up straight and said, “A group of men wanting me, and I get to choose.”
I commented, “So you are not lesbian. But even in your fantasy you’re in control. Perhaps you have a problem with surrender.”
“What do you mean? She asked.
“Tell me about your feelings on the subject of surrender.” I suggested,
She said, “It scares me.”
“Why’s that? “ I asked.
With eyes downcast, she quietly said, “I see it as a weakness”.
I explained, “I think you see surrender as most Western people see it. Sociologically it’s as though you give up your arms in defeat. Psychologically your arms are your protection from chaos which you experienced as a child.”
“I’m not following you.” She looked bewildered.
“You want order and you hate disorder. With your personal history, it is understandable that you have fought your entire life to be in control. There is, however, another way to look at surrender.” I suggested.
She asked, “How’s that?”
“The Eastern concept of surrender is quite different than the Western concept. In Eastern thought, surrender implies transcending yourself to reach a higher place. In the sex act, when you orgasm, you lose yourself, only to find yourself in a higher place. In that moment, you surrender to your own feelings and to your partner, only to reach the most sublime plateau.” I explained.
She said, “That’s a lot to digest.”
In therapy, we are working on her fear of letting go. It took many sessions for Sari to allow life to flow and evolve without constantly micro-managing.
Sari is having a hard time with Lyle’s cheating but unlike her mother, she does not want a divorce. She is determined to work on the marriage and sure enough Lyle is too. He joined Sari in couples’ therapy and is showing sincere remorse about his infidelity. He has stopped the affair and is trying to make amends.
Changes in the dynamic are apparent. As Lyle picks up after himself and doesn’t bring food into bed anymore, Sari is less critical. She is experimenting with leaving the dirty dishes in the sink and making love with her husband. To her surprise, Lyle washed the dishes before they went to work the other day. Sari is slowly beginning to trust in surrendering in her home life and her love life.
For more on love, sex, and surrender, read my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
Dr Fran's Skype Therapy Boutique - drfranpraver@cs.com
