The Top Thing Parents Can Do to Help Their Kids Feel Happier

According to a 2023 trends report by the American Psychological Association, kids’ mental health is in crisis. Even before the pandemic, growing concerns about social media, mass violence, natural disasters, climate change, and political polarization—not to mention the normal ups and downs of childhood and adolescence—have all been converging to bring high levels of stress to children and teens.

So what can help our children and teens? One thing I know for sure is that after 30 years of working with children, teens, adult children, and families, no adult has ever looked back and complained to me that their parents tried too hard to understand them. I believe that understanding from parents toward their children is just as important—maybe even more important—than loving them. Just as many divorced people may still love their ex-spouse but never felt understood by them, many children and teens feel loved but not understood.

So, with this in mind, let's look at the power of understanding your child for supporting their emotional health and happiness.

The Power of Parents' Understanding

My book,10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, provides suggestions for how parents can harness their understanding to support their children's emotional health. Here are a few key points:

1. Building strong relationships: When parents take the time to understand their children, they can build strong relationships with them. This helps children feel loved, supported, and heard, which can boost their confidence and self-esteem.
2. Effective communication: Understanding children allows parents to communicate with them more effectively. Parents who understand their children's emotions, thoughts, and perspectives can tailor their communication style to their children's needs, which can improve the quality of their conversations.
3. Meeting children's needs: When parents understand their children, they are better able to meet their needs. For example, if a child is feeling anxious or stressed, a parent who understands this can help them by providing comfort and support.
4. Supporting children's development: Understanding children is important for supporting their development. By understanding their children's strengths, weaknesses, and interests, parents can provide opportunities for them to grow and learn.
5. Preventing and managing conflict: When parents understand their children, they can often prevent conflicts before they occur. They can anticipate their children's needs and respond appropriately, which can help to avoid misunderstandings and disagreements. And when disagreements do occur, parents who practice and model understanding are more likely to have calm, constructive conversations with their kids to work through those conflicts.

Overall, understanding children is critical for parents who want to build strong relationships with their children, communicate effectively, meet their children's needs, support their development, and prevent conflicts.

Keeping Your Parent Ego in Check

Helping your child feel understood often means keeping your ego and desire to fix problems or to lecture in check. That means validating your child's feelings and not judging them. The way to do this is to know the difference between acknowledging and agreeing with their feelings.

Contrary to what many frustrated parents may think, particularly during those stressful times of conflict, validating feelings is not condoning bad choices or giving in to defiant behavior. This takes focus and discipline to realize that the best discipline you can give your child is having the self-discipline to be patient, empathetic, and loving—especially when they are not acting lovable.

"Understanding" means giving your child or teen that all-important, and seemingly elusive, validating message that "Your feelings make sense. I not only am permitting you to feel what you feel but I am also welcoming and accepting your feelings in a nonjudgmental way.” Validating your child in this way conveys deep empathy. This will help build your child's self-esteem and reduce their defiant behavior, which is often the language choice of children who do not feel understood.

Now that we have discussed the power of understanding your child, here are five ways below to make it happen.

5 Ways to Show Your Child You Understand Them

1. Communicate your intent to listen without judging or blaming and calling yourself out if you stray from this empathetic stance.
2. Be sensitive to, and acknowledge how difficult it is to be “different” when they want to be like everyone else.
3. Acknowledge the problems in your child's life and that they matter. Many children and teens I counsel repeatedly share that their parents minimize or dismiss their struggles.
4. Reflect on how upsetting it feels to them when the walls seem to be closing in and how overwhelming it is when their emotions seem to spin out of control.
5. Understand how deep shame (often nondetectable to frustrated parents) can keep influencing your child to behave in ways that they may regret later.

Closing Thoughts

It is crucial to remember that when children feel understood, they will be better able to hear you and change their behaviors. Stay mindful of how important this is not only to your child but also to your relationship with them. Validating your child’s or teen’s feelings is crucial to building their self-esteem and will promote solid, overall emotional health.