3 Ways to Keep Your Cool With Your Kids

The demands of parenting can be challenging and exhausting. Raising children can be expensive, and the financial strain of providing for a family can be a source of stress for many parents. Many parents struggle to balance the demands of work with the needs of their families. Trying to juggle a career and parenting responsibilities can be overwhelming and stressful.

The inevitable power struggles and challenges from kids are another source of stress that can push parents to their emotional limits. Children can be difficult to manage at times, particularly if they are going through a challenging phase or struggling with behavioral issues. This can be stressful for parents, who may feel powerless or unsure of how to handle the situation. All of these pressures can lead to emotions getting the best of parents. As a "yeller in recovery" from many years ago, as well as a family psychologist, I have seen many solid parents feel emotionally shaky at times.

Yelling from parents has been shown to have long-term effects on kids, like anxiety, lowered self-esteem, and aggression. It also makes children more susceptible to bullying since their understanding of healthy boundaries and self-respect are skewed.

Here are some powerful, effective tips from my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, to help you avoid the yelling trap with your child or teen.

1. Use listening to lower your intensity

Listening as described above helps you to dig deeper and understand what's going on with your defiant child. This is perhaps the best antidote to yelling. While understanding alone may not stop you from yelling, it will help. Try to analyze what it is that you'd like your child to change, and then rationally explain it to him.

For example, in the case of a messy bedroom, ask yourself what is OK and what you'd like him to stop doing. Kayla, the mother of 13-year-old Gordon, realized that she could live with some clothes on the floor but not with two-week-old potato chips in the corner. As another example, is it possible that your son refused to get ready for school because he has a test he is not ready for? Or, is your daughter scared of being rejected by her new group of friends and she is taking it out on you?

Stay mindful that understanding what is going on with your child will help slow you down emotionally. The more you slow down, the less emotionally reactive you will be and the less likely you are to yell.

2. Let go of your judgment

If you are in a conflict, draw your child out to see how he genuinely feels. Avoid being overly judgmental, which leaves your child feeling criticized, and will cause him to become defensive. One of my clients, Ken, shared with me how he found it helpful to ask his 12-year-old son, Troy, to “please help me understand why you seem upset.”

Just that simple question helped Ken remember to listen to rather than lecture his son. Even if Troy did not give Ken an immediate answer, Ken realized that by asking this question he left the door open for Troy to share his thoughts and feelings later on. This question also helped prevent Ken from going into what Troy referred to as “lecture mode.”

3. Don’t take it all so personally

In his book The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz writes, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you…” This is valuable wisdom to keep in mind. If you stop and think about it, most of the time you yell at your defiant child, it’s because you are taking their behaviors too personally. Realize that your defiant child, even if trying to provoke you, is behaving in this manner because of their struggles, not yours. Remembering this can help you not get so frustrated and your risk of yelling will be much lower.