On New Year's Resolutions, Self-Improvement, and Compassion

I'm a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions. Just yesterday, I Zoomed with a friend to discuss our hopes and commitments for 2021 (hers were on a spreadsheet, mine scribbled in a journal).

But I am also aware of the frustrations and limitations of self-improvement projects. Perfectionism appears to be increasing over time, with younger people reporting that they are more demanding of themselves, and experience others as more demanding of them. Perfectionism is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, suicide, eating disorder, and problems in romantic relationships. Research suggests that having perfectionists in one's social network increases stress.

In my professional development workshops on the topic of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, we discuss "The Gap" between capacity and performance which is baked into the definition of ADHD. The gap between where I am and where I know I could be. Between what I'm doing and what I could be doing with my time and energy and money and relationships. Inside that gap — that discrepancy — is the potential for motivation and drive but also for shame and demoralization. The ache of that mismatch between am and could be can drive clients to seek accurate diagnosis and practical treatment, but constantly feeling that we aren't quite there yet — we aren't yet fully realized.

When I feast on the enthusiasm and productivity advice of Tim Ferris, James Clear, and Aubrey Marcus, I can get really excited about our human potential, but I may also begin to sense that I'm not doing something right if I'm not 24/7 high-energy and on-task.

Then I contrast that to the emotional afterglow of a film I finally got around to seeing this week. Dina is a 2017 cinéma vérité style documentary focusing on two adults on the autism spectrum as they tirelessly negotiate jobs, friendship, cohabitation, marriage, differences in desire for sex/intimacy, tolerate high-pitched sounds, figure out how best to rub their partner's feet, and make multiple bus connections to get to the Jersey shore. And it strikes me that this is all of us. Putting in the work to get from here, which is really fine for right now, to there – our Dharma, our calling, our capacity, the goal of our hearts. My there in 2021 may or may not be to make the perfect long-term romantic connection, or rock an Insta beach body by June, or reliably sink a three-point shot, or consistently get up at 5 a.m. to journal and meditate. And we may not make every bus connection.

Maybe our work this year — on those days when we are up to the challenge — is to learn and practice and to lean in towards our capacity.