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Narcissism
Why Does Your Partner Constantly Cheat?
Gaslighters and narcissists are chronic cheaters. You may be with one.
Posted June 2, 2019 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Gaslighters and narcissists are chronic cheaters. It doesn't matter how "good" of a partner you are, or how much of your life you've devoted to them (because they demanded it). They will still cheat. But why is infidelity so common with this toxic personality? Continue reading to learn more.
1. They are constantly looking to refill their "narcissistic supply."
Gaslighters/narcissists have a bottomless pit of need. They are always looking for someone to fill that pit. However, no matter how much you give up for the gaslighter/narcissist and focus all your attention on them, they will still cheat (Sarkis, 2019). That is the nature of the gaslighter/narcissist. It has nothing to do with who you are—it has everything to do with their pathology. Gaslighters/narcissists will cheat especially if their personality skews towards being less responsible and having low self-discipline (Buss & Shackleford, 1997).
2. They "love-bomb" you at the beginning of your relationship, and then devalue you.
You will never be able to do anything right, according to the gaslighter/narcissist. At the beginning of your relationship, it seemed like you could do no wrong. The gaslighter/narcissist told you that you were perfect, that you were everything they were looking for, and that they never felt this way before. Then things changed. The gaslighter/narcissist started picking on you, a little thing here, a little thing there. Then it seemed like no matter what you did, you were "damned if you do, damned if you don't." This is because the gaslighter/narcissist puts you up on a pedestal until they know you are "hooked"—but you eventually fall off that pedestal, and it's a long way down. This has nothing to do with you, even though it feels deeply personal. It's a character trait of a gaslighter/narcissist.
Also look for the following common behaviors from gaslighters/narcissists:
3. They blame you for the cheating.
You never "make" someone cheat. That is a decision they made on their own. Do not fall for the gaslighter/narcissist "blame game." It's a way to distract, and it's also an attempt to make you feel guilty. The gaslighter/narcissist is 100% responsible for their cheating. Period.
4. They accuse you of cheating, with no proof.
Gaslighters/narcissists are great at projecting. They will blame you and accuse you of something they are actually doing. They will yell at you that they know you are cheating because you are 30 minutes late coming home from work. They will even threaten to look through your phone. Why is the gaslighter/narcissist projecting? Because it takes the focus of their own cheating. The more you scurry trying to figure out why the gaslighter/narcissist is accusing you of cheating, the more you aren't looking at what is happening right under your nose. And that is exactly how the gaslighter/narcissist wants it.
5. They don't take any precautions with their sexual health.
When you catch gaslighters/narcissists cheating (if they finally admit to it, which is rare), they will tell you they used protection when they had sex. Do not believe them. They didn't consider you or your relationship, so why would they be making your sexual health a priority? Get tested as soon as possible, and at regular intervals after that.
6. They expect you to tolerate their behavior.
The gaslighter/narcissist has continually worked at making you feel insecure. This is for a purpose—they don't want to give up a source of narcissistic supply, even if they are getting narcissistic supply somewhere else. If you tell them you are leaving, the gaslighter/narcissist will usually say something along the lines of, "No one will love you like I will," "Who else do you think is going to put up with you?" and "Good luck, there's the door." If they tell you to go ahead and leave, get ready because ...
7. They will do whatever it is to get you back.
It's very confusing when you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't treat you well, but yet doesn't want you to leave them. The idea of you leaving triggers the gaslighter/narcissist's fear of losing narcissistic supply. They will become frantic, and even try to block you from leaving. They will make up reasons to stop by your home. This is called "hoovering," like the vacuum. They are trying to suck you back in, in order to get their narcissistic supply filled again. You may also encounter the opposite.
8. They will drop you like you never existed.
This can be equally as confusing. The gaslighter/narcissist disappears as if they went into the witness protection program. This usually means that the gaslighter has moved on to their next narcissistic supply. Many people have asked me if they should warn the gaslighter/narcissist's next victim. First, the more you stay away from the gaslighter/narcissist and their life, the better off you will be. Second, you may be told by the gaslighter/narcissist's next victim, "Oh, [gaslighter/narcissist] told me you were crazy and would try something like this." I have seen this scenario repeatedly in my counseling practice when survivors of gaslighters/narcissists had every intention of making sure someone else didn't fall prey to the gaslighter/narcissist. Unfortunately, most people don't realize they're in this type of abusive relationship until months or years down the line.
9. They will make you distrust others.
As part of the devaluing process, the gaslighter/narcissist will point out people to you that they find attractive. They may also compare you to their exes. You start viewing others as potentially cheating with your partner. You start distrusting others, and may even cut off relationships. This is exactly what the gaslighter/narcissist wants you to do—isolate yourself from others and focus all your attention on them.
The bottom line is that this type of personality will continue to cheat on you, regardless of how often they tell you they will change. Leaving them can be very difficult, especially if you have restructured your life to please them. But it is possible to move on and heal.
Not sure if your partner is a gaslighter/narcissist? Read 11 Warning Signs of a Gaslighter and a three-part series starting with 10 Signs You Are In a Relationship With a Narcissist.
Copyright 2019 Sarkis Media.
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