Gaslighting

When Gaslighters Reject a Gift for Your Loved One

Why can't they stay out of your giving a gift to your family?

Posted April 27, 2019 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

Gaslighters and narcissists are notoriously rude about gifts—the ones they give and the ones they receive. In my blog post "12 Pitfalls of Gift-Giving with a Narcissist," I detailed how narcissists give gifts with little or no relevance to the recipient's wants or interests, while they will lavish themselves with gifts. They will also criticize a gift you give them—for no known reason—or request a gift they know is out of your price range. When you tell them you can't afford that type of gift, a guilt trip is headed your way.

How about when you give a gift to someone, and their gaslighting partner criticizes the gift? This takes things to a new level. On my podcast, Talking Brains, I answered a question from someone who had encountered just that. A gift was given to a relative whose partner stated that the person did not need the gift. As this had happened on more than one occasion, she asked how she should respond.

I answered in the following Talking Brains episode (below), and I will detail my answer here. If you give a gift to a family member or friend, and the person's partner chimes in to criticize the gift, do not buy into that drama. Gaslighters love getting a fight going—especially a fight between family members. It does not matter to gaslighters that this behavior causes their partner to be upset. One of all gaslighters' goals is to distance their partner from their support system, as quickly and thoroughly as possible. By doing so, gaslighters feel their partner will now be able to pay more attention to them. However, gaslighters are a bottomless pit of need, and their partner will never be able to meet their unrealistic demands.

When you point out the gaslighter's behavior in front of the family, however, your relative may take offense. This also gives the gaslighter ammunition when telling the partner that you are a bad influence. Pushing your family member closer to the gaslighting partner is exactly what you do not want to do.

What's the best way to respond to a gaslighter who tells you that your gift is not needed or is ridiculous? Simply say, "OK." This is a great response to a gaslighter for a couple of reasons. First, it does not give the gaslighter any fodder for drama. You ruined any narcissistic payoff. Second, it gives an ambiguous response to the gaslighter's comment. You are simply acknowledging it was said—you are not stating that you disagree . . . or are you stating that you disagree? This type of ambiguity turns off gaslighters quickly. If you aren't giving them drama, they move on to their next target.

On my Talking Brains podcast episode "Gaslighters and Gift-Giving," learn more about how to handle gaslighters who criticize gifts and how to talk to a family member, or friend, who's in a relationship with one.