Gaslighting or Bad Communication? Part 3

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In Part 1 and Part 2, you learned how gaslighting and poor communication are different - by looking at points 1 through 8 in "11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting", along with quotes from an email I received asking me the difference. In Part 3, we'll look at points 9 through 11, again with quotes from the sender of the email.

Example

"9. They try to align people against you." "Not a devilish plot, just human nature. If you think you are right, you will talk to your friends for support, or just to make conversation about life. When saying 'this person knows you're wrong,' it's just an argument tactic to try and win the argument, not to make you distrust people."

Answer

There's a difference between talking to friends for support or conversation, and a gaslighter actively working to pit one person against each other (referred to as "splitting"). When you say "This person knows you're wrong" without that person present, there is no way to verify it - one of the reasons that tactic is used in gaslighting. Also, the purpose of an argument is to come to a resolution, not to "win" - unless you are on a debate team.

Example

"10. They tell you or others that you are crazy." "Not a man on earth who hasn't thought some woman is crazy at some stage, but as you get older you learn where women are coming from. Again, it's an easy mistake to make and one I made when younger. I just didn't know any better."

Answer

First, I give credit to the email sender for admitting he made a mistake. (Plenty of women have thought a man was crazy as well.) The difference between telling someone, "Oh, you're acting crazy" or worse, "You're crazy", is that the gaslighter not only tells their victim they are crazy, they also tell other people that the victim is crazy. The gaslighter also tells the victim, "Everyone else knows you're crazy too - I made sure I told them. But hey, they probably already knew." This isolates the victim - they now feel they have nowhere to turn because they feel they won't be believed. Why is calling someone crazy a common behavior of a gaslighter? Because it's dismissive.

Example

"11. They tell you everyone else is a liar." "They may genuinely believe your family and the media are lying. There are a lot of lies floating around the media. As far as the family issue, if one partner believes they are a good partner, they may believe your family's lies, or they are just trying to get away with something."

Answer

This is an example of taking one sentence out of a paragraph and deciphering it without including the original context. Yes, families and other entities can lie. (See this site to fact-check political articles before sharing them on social media.) However, the gaslighter tells you that everyone is lying, even when they are clearly telling you the truth - for example, telling you that your gaslighting partner is not healthy for you. Gaslighters are very good at projecting - they blame you and others for behavior they are actually doing. In this case, gaslighters constantly lie, so they tell you everyone else is a liar. The motive of the gaslighter is to make you question your sanity and your reliance on others for support. This, in turn, isolates you and makes you rely more and more on the gaslighter for the "correct" version of reality.

In conclusion, there are many differences between gaslighting and poor communication in a relationship. They also have some similarities. In essence, look at the motive and intent of your partner's behavior. If the intent is to keep you off-kilter and questioning your sanity, it's gaslighting. If the motive is to isolate you, it's gaslighting. If your partner grew up in a dysfunctional family and has these behaviors because it's what he learned, it's still gaslighting.

Thank you to the email sender for his quotes, and his question about whether something is gaslighting or not.

Part 1

Part 2

Listen to an audio version of all three parts here:

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