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Gaslighting
Gaslighting or Bad Communication?
When is your partner gaslighting you, and when is it just miscommunication?
Posted February 17, 2019 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
The post is Part 1 of a series.
I received an email asking me what the difference is between a gaslighting relationship and one where the partners don't communicate effectively. The sender gave examples to each of the points discussed in an earlier post, "11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting," and asked for my opinion as to whether it was gaslighting or poor communication. He wrote, "I feel like a lot of this boils down to men not understanding women and vice versa."
Good question—when is it gaslighting, and when is it bad communication? Here are his examples, with my opinion following. (A caveat: I don't know this person nor do I know any of his current or former partners.)
Example 1: "They tell blatant lies."
"I wasn't trying to keep my ex unsteady. I just wanted to get away with something or didn't want a long conversation."
Answer
Wanting to get away with something is a motivation of gaslighting. The question is: Why did you want to get away with something? Because your partner wouldn't approve, or because, like you said, you just didn't want to get into it (presumably because your partner wouldn't approve)? You can gaslight someone without trying to keep someone unsteady. Despite your intention, it still can have that effect. A healthy relationship is one where you have healthy communication and don't try to "get away with something."
Other differences between gaslighting and poor communication—did you want to get away with something just because you could, or because you wanted to do an activity your partner wouldn't approve of? Was the lie one that would cause your partner to be upset and distracted, thus allowing you to get away with what you were doing? For example, did you fabricate a fight just to have a reason to get away? Gaslighters have an ulterior motive—and it usually involves gaining power and control.
Example 2: "They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof."
"Various reasons: I didn't want to have a long conversation; I wanted to get away with it. She would misunderstand what I had said."
Answer
"I wanted to get away with it" sticks out as a gaslighting motive. Doing something just to see if you can get away with it is a common tactic of gaslighters—it's a power and control move.
It's also a form of self-preservation—you want to engage in behavior your partner probably wouldn't approve of. But the way each of these three things was accomplished was by denying you said something you actually said. That's where the gaslighting comes in.
Example 3: "They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition."
"This is not uncommon. This is how some people argue: eg [sic] 'My problem with you is that you are lazy, you're a bad father.' Some people are meaner than others but this is not uncommon."
Answer
Just because something is "not uncommon" does not make it healthy, in any way. Telling someone they are lazy, and going after their ability as a parent is honing in on a person's vulnerable spots. You particularly see this in gaslighting where early in the relationship, the gaslighter will ask many personal questions of their victim, and not reveal a lot about themselves. If you confide in the gaslighter that you have a difficult relationship with your sister, the gaslighter will use that against you later on. For example, "I know you're crazy and irrational. No wonder you don't even get along with your own sister."
Example 4: "They wear you down over time."
"This is just a normal bad relationship. If one partner is mean, the other may suffer confidence issues over time. It's not planned by someone to slowly take the other down."
Answer
Bad relationships usually contain some form of gaslighting. When someone is gaslighting, they may not be aware they are doing it—especially if they grew up with gaslighting parents. What you learn about communication from your parents and caregivers provides the blueprint for your communication style in a relationship. Whether you are gaslighting on purpose, or it's a learned behavior—you are still 100 percent responsible for your actions. The good news is when you do realize you are gaslighting, you can get help. See my book Gaslighting: How to Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free for an entire chapter on getting help when you realize you have been gaslighting someone.
Listen to an audio version of all three parts here:
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