How Money History Can Eliminate Money Mystery

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In a recent post, I shared some thoughts regarding how parents can communicate with each other when it comes to financial decisions during the stage of family life when young adult children are leaving home.

Of course, this kind of communication often falls into the “easier said than done” category of conversations. But what facilitates these sometimes difficult dialogues so that they, in fact, get “done”—and done more easily and effectively—entails taking a closer look at the history of our individual relationship with money.

Individually or collaboratively composing a “fiscal autobiography” is one way to erase some financial blind spots and enable the two of you to consider and discuss money matters with greater depth and open-mindedness, raising the odds that your young adult child(ren) will be able to do the same:

You can start by taking a look at your conversational past:

• What has made it difficult for us to talk about money?
• What has been the typical nature of our conversations about money?
• If/when they have gone well, why was that?
• If/when they have not gone well, why was that?
• On what financial aspects or issues do you tend to get stuck?
• How long does the stuckness last, and what, if anything, helps you to get unstuck?

The next step entails an examination of your childhood, adolescent, and young adult memories of family-based money discussions. Thinking about these questions can help to “break the ice” on a subject that can arouse considerable edginess or twitchiness for most of us:

• What lessons did you learn about money in your family?

• What were the most notable family stories having to do with money?

• How well-off or impoverished did you feel growing up?

• How did that change over the course of your childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood?

• How, and how well, did your parents manage their money? How did they use money wisely and/or foolishly when you were growing up?
• How did gender and ethnic, cultural, and religious background influence your family’s relationship with money?
• What do you know about how your parents spoke about money between themselves?

• How did they talk about money with you and/or your siblings, and with other family members?

• What money-related fights took place between your parents or within the extended family?

• How was income production divided between your parents when you were growing up?
• What was the relationship between who made more money and who was in control of money?
• Which parent was more invested in saving, and which was more invested in spending?

• What is your first memory of having an argument or disagreement about money in your family? What were your thoughts and feelings regarding arguments about money, and how have they continued to impact you to this day?

When it comes to your personal history with money, here are some questions to consider reminiscing about and talking over with your parenting partner:

• What are your best and worst memories regarding money when growing up?
• What feelings do these memories generate?
• Who helped you to understand these feelings?

• What are your earliest memories of money when it comes to:
• Earning it
• Giving/sharing it
• Receiving it
• Stealing it
• Were you given an allowance, and if so, was it conditional or unconditional? What were you told was the purpose of the allowance?

• What is your first recollection of making money on your own? Did that take place within the family or outside of the family?

• How much control did you have over any money you made or that you received as an allowance or gift?

• Where else, besides within your family, did you receive messages or information about money while growing up (such as other relatives, religion, peers, media, culture, etc.)? Which of these messages exerted the most influence over you, and what is the nature of that influence?
• What financial expectations did your parents, grandparents, and other extended family members have of you? How were these expectations communicated to you?
• What financial expectations did you have of your parents, grandparents, and other extended family members, and how did you communicate these to them?
• How would you and your partner like to consider handling money similarly to your parents, and how would you like to consider handling it differently?

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• What would be (or are) your parents’ responses to how the two of you have chosen to handle money?

Having thought and talked about some of the questions above may make it easier to understand why parental communication regarding finances has not gone as well as it might and/or how it might go even better. With this in mind, the two of you might want to reflect upon these final questions:

• To what extent do the two of you share the same philosophy about money management?

• What do you see money as being good for and not so good for?

• To what extent is there alignment between the two of you when it comes to each of your beliefs regarding what money symbolizes (success, security, power, love, control, freedom, etc.)?

• Is one partner more in charge of money than the other partner? If so, how did that division come about, and how flexible or versatile is it?
• What happens when the one who is less in charge disagrees with the one who is more in charge when it comes to spending, saving, investing, etc.?

For many reasons, there remains an enduring taboo in our culture when it comes to discussing money. But submitting to taboos and staying muted or silent regarding financial matters prevents us from understanding what money means to us and how to use the money that we have in ways that are healthy and growth-promoting for the entire family.