Becoming Happier Comes From Challenges

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. –Khalil Gibran

In his book with Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy, His Holiness the fourteenth Dalai Lama talks about “passing through difficulties” and using them. He doesn’t suggest being in a difficult spot and setting up camp there but instead focuses on passing through difficulties. Since children haven’t yet gained a wider perspective, they tend to see whatever is happening as final, whether it’s someone calling them names on the soccer field or something far worse.

Our role as parents and professionals is to help children begin to see how they can use any life experience, even the most challenging ones, as a force for good. Of course, I can only say this because I’ve learned to do this myself, even through experiences in which I thought for sure that there was no good to be found. Eventually, a light shines on the dark spot, and life is made new again.

Last summer I had the pleasure of helping an 11-year-old boy, Finn, recover from being bullied repeatedly. His parents, Tessa and Tom, brought him to me because he was slumped over and sad. Finn’s demeanor was a result of being scared silly about returning to school as a seventh grader, with all the same bullies from the sixth grade.

Working with Finn, I shared how I had been bullied in grade school and called names I cannot even say aloud, all because of my full lips. He couldn’t believe it. Once children realize they’re not the only ones in a situation or that someone else has traversed the same path, they feel hopeful and can move forward more easily.

Finn and I did a lot of talking, and I gave him the chance to tell his story about being bullied one more time. Finn looked miserable, and the thing that struck me about his stories was that he assumed they were all true, especially when someone called him “weak” on the soccer field. But he wasn’t weak, and I guided him on how to see his situation differently (to reframe his story, a skill we’ll discuss in subsequent blog posts). For example, I mirrored back to Finn all the different and extraordinary things he’s done that took strength—from rowing in regattas on Lake Casitas to teaching an elective, Lego Creativity, to his peers.

Changing your perspective isn’t necessarily easy, especially when you have a history of being mentally or physically beaten up. But with time and tools, I helped Finn focus on the positive things happening now and got his parents alerted and partnering with the principal. Eventually, he came around to feeling more capable of handling whatever was going to come up in seventh grade.

Today, Finn is a different child. By learning how to constructively express his emotions instead of suppressing them (holding his sadness in) and by developing some habits of emotional health, he’s become a happier child. But this happiness isn’t separate from his sadness and challenges; one helped the other grow.