Marriage: Who Supports Whom

Many a wife is her husband’s sole confidante. Yet when she
herself is troubled, she’s much more likely to cry on a
friend’s shoulder, according to a survey by Harris Interactive on
behalf of this magazine and PacifiCare Behavioral Health. Some 76 percent
of men in a relationship turn to their partners for support while only 36
percent of women do so.

Do men have tin ears, or are women just not burdening them? Men who
grew up running to Mom for comfort may continue the pattern with their
wives, without bothering to reciprocate. Or their mode of helping makes
things worse. Men are conditioned to be problem solvers, explains Julie
Schwartz Gottman, clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle.
A woman who seeks empathy from her husband and instead gets a plan of
action will turn to friends.

While women have assumed greater work roles, their emotional duties
haven’t ebbed, says Gottman. Therapy can help. “In our
couples’ workshops, we teach wives how to reduce their own stress
by training their husbands to be more sensitive and ask more
questions,” she says.