As a family member or friend of a dying individual, you may aim to do the following:
- Help with comfort and rest (back rubs, holdings hands, reading and background music can be very comforting and help decrease a person's sense of being alone)
- Prepare for physical problems (lip balm or salve prevent chapped lips, for example)
- Welcome visitors and children, or ask the person whom he would like to see and invite those people
- Prepare a list of people to call near the time of death
- Talk with a friend about your feelings
- Feel free to say good-bye at the place of death
- Avoid calling 911 or an emergency team
Guidelines are also suggested for the person who is dying. Foremost is taking care of himself. Other suggestions are to think ahead about what could happen—and about how you will deal with problems if they do occur—and to create a better quality of life for yourself and for the people who love and care about you. Ideally, death and dying should be peaceful and healthy for you, the dying person and for the people who love and care about the dying individual. Helping friends and family deal with your death may help you find peace and comfort. If you are not at peace with death, you should seek advice from your health care provider.
More specific guidelines for the dying individuals include:
- Be grateful and accept help
- Don't be afraid to ask to be alone, time to be by yourself is necessary
- Be your own counsel—no one, including your physician, religious counselor, spouse or friends can understand 100 percent what you want and need
- Some people may treat you differently after learning that you are dying. Be patient; they may be more bearable after a brief adjustment period
- Slow down, and ask your family and friends to slow down: There may not be a lot of time, but there is sufficient time, except in the most extreme cases, to think, plan and prepare
- Search for, and then trust in, a single individual. This does not mean you should not listen to and follow reasonable directions and advice. But focus on one individual as the final helper. When you do, make certain that your family doctor knows whom you've appointed to serve in that role.
- Ask your health care provider to explain what is being done to you so that you can understand why things are being done and what benefits you can expect. Call the health professional if you are concerned or uncertain and need more explanation.
- You should be aware that nurses and other hospital staff may not know that you are dying. This fact may not be written in your chart—and can lead to conflicts between families and hospital staff. It's OK for your family to tell the hospital staff that you are dying.
- Pre-planning will give your loved ones both assurance that your wishes are being followed and peace of mind from the knowledge that decisions have already been made.
- Consider getting a durable power of attorney in which you name one or two people to make decisions or choices on your behalf if you should become incompetent or incapable of making decisions. Read the Do Not Resuscitate policies of your hospital. Under the U.S. Patient Self-Determination Act, every U.S. state must have a mechanism for allowing people to express their wishes for their death and dying, and healthcare providers are obligated to follow their patient's instructions.
- Use resources that are available from the health care community. These include social services and psychological, financial and religious counseling, as well as hospital financial counseling.
Death and Dying. Last reviewed 07/01/2008
Sources:
- The Significance of Dying Well. Illness, Crisis & Loss
- British Medical Journal
- You Cannot Die Alone Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- Death and Dying: Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York. Encyclopedia of Life Sciences
- A Dying Person's Guide to Dying, Roger C. Bone, M.D. The American College of Physicians
- American College of Physicians; What to Do Before and After the Moment of Death.
- Hospice Patients Alliance
- Harvard Adhoc Committee on Brain Death
