The Sexless Marriage

If a partner is not satisfied within his or her relationship, does that justify violating the rules of that relationship through adultery?

Is Adultery Always Bad?

Why adultery sometimes can be for the best.

The term “adultery” (sexual intercourse between a married person and anyone other than his or her lawful spouse) is considered pejorative because virtually all religions condemn it. In some cultures it is punishable by death, and even in liberal-thinking areas a monetary fine may be imposed.

Most European countries have decriminalized adultery. It is not considered a crime in most of the European Union and in some parts (e.g., France and Denmark) many consider it the norm.  Alternatively, British people and Americans, for the most part, expect total sexual fidelity from their spouses. Having sex outside of marriage is viewed by most people as sordid or sinful.

In American and British cultures many people suffer from marital myths. For instance, many believe that in a good marriage the thrills and chills of a romantic courtship will only intensify over time. They think that a good marriage will fulfill all their dreams. In fact, the ecstasy of courtship and the honeymoon stage fades in the face of day to day proximity. Those who regard marriage as a romantic interlude soon end up with a not so romantic divorce. Marriage is a practical and serious relationship which can provide a mature and profound love, companionship and caring. But wouldn’t even a most discreet affair weaken, if not destroy this bond?

Obviously, our values and expectations play a major role in answering this question. Those who insist that their spouse remain sexually faithful even in an essentially sexless marriage will call it “cheating” if they discover that their partner is having, or has had, a discreet affair, often resulting in extreme conflict and severe emotional distress.  Many assert that a couple should strive for transparency and total honesty, but it seems that this does not work well for many couples. Yet there is something to be said for couples who manage to live happily in each other’s pockets, who develop a deep sense of intimacy, with no secrets, and for whom affairs are agreed to be absolutely forbidden. While some people may be psychologically and physiologically attuned to this type of a monogamous relationship, it is likely that they are in the minority. Hence, it is not surprising that the divorce rates in America and Britain are extremely high.  Indeed, it is estimated that over the course of their marriages, 50% of American couples have extramarital relationships – a figure that closely matches the divorce rate.

Many falsely believe that a happily married man would not have sex outside of his marriage, and no wife would jeopardize a happy marriage by becoming sexually involved with another man. To these thinkers, having an affair is proof that there is something lacking in the marriage.  In truth, people get involved in extramarital relationships for a variety of reasons, only some of which are due to marital problems or personal distress.

While it is true that sexually frustrated husbands or wives are apt to seek from others what they cannot obtain from their spouses, a large disparity in sexual appetite is only one reason why people commit adultery.  Other reasons include the manic phase of bipolar depression (during which people often engage in extramarital sex largely as a feature of their illness), and hypersexuality as a component of some compulsive and/or impulse control disorders. Even in a sexually satisfying and fulfilling marriage, significant personal insecurity about one’s attractiveness or prowess can impel some people to have sex outside their marriage.

Then there are many women and men whose extramarital involvements are purely an expression of curiosity, personal growth, or the manifestation of a varietal disposition.  What’s more, in some instances, a person may rationally choose to seek sexual outlets outside the marriage as an alternative to seeking divorce from a sexually incompatible partner (which is usually messy, costly and traumatic, especially when young children are part of the picture).  In other words, there are both healthy and unhealthy reasons for having extramarital relations. 

Ironically, in some cases a marriage can be strengthened by an affair.  Just like some people who have a nonfatal heart attack can actually be in better cardiac health several years post-MI than they were before it (i.e., by losing weight, stopping smoking, eating better and exercising), some marriages that “survive” an affair can be in better shape following it than before.  In these instances, the personal problems and marital issues that led to the affair can be sorted out and worked through in therapy often resulting in better marital health and sexual satisfaction in the post-affair era.

The bottom line is:

Not all marriages in which a spouse has an affair is a bad marriage and not all people who remain sexually faithful are in happy marriages.

There are many reasons why people have sex outside their marriages and not all of them are unhealthy.

In cases in which marital problems lead to an affair (or significant personal problems that are corrected), the marriage can actually be stronger after the affair than it was before it.

For more information about this phenomenon, the interested reader might want to peruse “After the Affair” by Janis A. Spring

Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus

The Sexless Marriage