The Sexless Marriage

If a partner is not satisfied within his or her relationship, does that justify violating the rules of that relationship through adultery?

Being Great in Bed Part 2: What He Says

What men around the world say about women and sex.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith
This post is a response to Make Sex More Intimate by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.

I asked 200 men on Facebook, from various countries, about sex. Summarily, this is what they said.

Women do not make their sexual needs known

Like anything male, male sexual confidence is fragile. Thus, when women fail to articulate their romantic needs it increases anxiety and places an invidious burden on men. Presumably, a woman has sex with a man because she wants to be with him. Why wouldn’t she make her needs known? A woman may not be aware of what those needs are. On the other hand, she may be concerned with the possible stigma that may arise from verbalizing her needs, because what is virility for men is lack of virtue for women. Regardless, the onus lies with the woman to communicate her needs. 

Women lack basic sexual salience and skills

No man expects a woman to be a sexual expert, but a man does expect a woman to know the basics or be willing to learn them. This is often not the case, according to most men. This is curious because a woman would not go on a tennis date if she did not know how to play tennis and did not want to learn. Why is sex any different? Sex is different because of neurochemicals that predispose women to want to plant gardens, and men to want to spread seed and call it a garden. Evolution designed our brains this way to promote survival of the species so those neuro-rivers run deep.

However, human technology and society has rapidly advanced while evolutionary human biology has remained static. Thus, we find ourselves in a world that is too complicated for our brains. It is time to evolve. Biologic reproductive sexual function can no longer be the fundamental currency between men and women; a more comprehensive communication that includes functional reproductive sexual scenarios, must replace it. Until that occurs, most women will purchase the false assumption that just showing up and undressing is enough because it has been enough since the dawn of our species. Likewise, men will always think they are entitled to sex for the price of dinner or cocktails. Both beliefs contradict our current social, political and personal needs. We have to ascend to a higher common ground.

Until that occurs however, not bringing your A-game into the bedroom is like showing up at a book club without having read the book and insisting the group talk about something else. Not only is that disrespectful, asocial, irresponsible and inferiority-driven, it feeds the industries that prey on vulnerable women. What wives cannot or will not do, strippers, hookers must. When you agree to participate in something, you should be prepared to honor the terms of the agreement.

If women want to have mutally gratifying sex with men, they must be willing to participate as equals. Not only is this important in terms of male sexual gratification, it is vitally important politically to women. The social oppression of women has resulted in women dissociating themselves from their bodies in a way that forbids them from having or satisfying carnal desires. That is why women getting to the point of where they allow themselves to be as physically hedonistic as men is political. Sexism has ripped the pursuit of carnal hedonism from the female psyche.  

Women are as entitled to the joys of carnal desire as they are to the miseries of social subjugation. For women, the active pursuit of carnal satisfaction is about choosing an unfettered mind over a chained body.  This, like all female freedom, is not for men to give, but for women to take. That is why women faking orgasms, as opposed to seeking them, goes beyond insulting male intelligence and revealing female deceit.  It is the ultimate act of political submission and surrender.  The only time a woman should fake an orgasm is when a Pit Bull is humping her leg.  

In the struggle for gender equality, the bedroom is Gettysburg. However, the battle is not between men and women. It is a colossal human struggle pitting us against the instinctual fears of the counterintuitive unknowns that confront the cardinal concerns of our evolutionary biology's agenda. 

Women are too clingy

While this is a stereotype, stereotypes exist for a reason: the brain consolidates and simplifies information. Women are more possessive than men are, because since the ancients, women have depended on men for survival. However, the days when men were men and women were grateful are as gone as 8-track tapes. Sadly, the neurochemical disposition remains and women embarrass themselves by presuming having sex with a man means something other than having sex with a man. 

If a guy does not want to see you again after sex, move on. Trying to cling to a man, who does not want you is a self-denigrating waste of energy. Why would you even want a man who does not want you? Always present yourself as a gift, never as an invoice. It is also very unattractive and not sexy. 

Be creative, adventuresome and confident. 

As hyperbolic as it sounds, coital congress is an erotic journey not a sexual destination. Judgment and Madison Avenue do not belong on this journey. Madison Avenue tells us who is beautiful and who is sexy because we allow it to. Your bedroom is private, and the country and western song lyric, “and when we get behind closed doors, and she let’s her hair hang down…” says it all. All humans have a unique appointment of beauty. It may not be visible to strangers or redeemable on Madison Avenue, but it is there. It is there to share on this journey. Men find confident women attractive regardless of size, facial features etc. and vice versa. The erotic journey travels through the the mind, body and soul. The fuel for accomplishing this is inner personal beauty. Honor the gift of beauty that the Universe remanded to your custody by taking the journey from to self to the intermingling of souls. People say sex is like a dance. The erotic journey is not like a dance. It is the Museum of Dance. Put your dancing shoes on and every dance all night long.  

The Mind Cut

In sexual intimacy between men and women, one's level of confidence and haircut are the same because when all else is removed they remain. So, my sisters and brothers, in the East, West, North or South, living on any old street, in any old house—work hard, play hard, give your love ferociously and let somebody love you fiercely. Most of all… remain fabulous and phenomenal! 

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The Sexless Marriage