The Secret to High Productivity

Your path to high performance. Plus the benefits of meditation, how to stop procrastinating, learn to be failure proof, and more.

Being Great In Bed Part 1: What She Says

What over 200 women said about male sexual performance
Dr. Barton Goldsmith
This post is a response to Make Sex More Intimate by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.

Over 200 women told me that men climax too quickly, are terrible at foreplay, have hygiene issues and are not creative lovers. Many men are bad at sex because they use it as a currency rather than a storytelling art form. Sex is the story of seduction. Story telling requires knowing the story you are telling, why, to whom, and why them. Without this knowledge, you cannot tell a story well. 


Many men fail in bed because they lack this basic courage.  It worsens when they add the propagandistic war on women that casts them as whores. In case you did not get this email, we are all whores; it is just a question of venue and price. Still, who wants to be treated like a cheap whore? This is why men should not expect sex for buying a woman dinner or drinks.  That attitude is insulting, self-effacing and pathetic, none of which are sexy.  There are many women open to many things, and if you cannot find them, or present your case effectively, then you need to step up your game, not lower your ethics. Remember, tell a story of seduction, do not write an e-bay ad to sell some old junk, or a terrorist guide for taking hostages.

First, man up and identify what you find beautiful in her, not what Madison Avenue has told you is beautiful. If you cannot do that, you are not ready to write the story of seduction and trying to, dishonors both of you.

When you find that beauty, announce it with your eyes, “I want you because you are beautiful to me in this way.”The eyes speak a universal language of molten words that would blister the tongue.It is important that she sees this in your eyes because self-perception is binary. There is the individualist and collectivistic. The former is her static perception of herself, which is her gift to you that you unwrap in the seduction. 

The latter is who she is within the context of you and her in this time and space. The collectivistic perception of self involves the temporoparietal junction (TPJ) in the brain where the temporal and parietal lobes meet, at the posterior of the sylvian fissure. This area combines input from the thalamus, which is the turn style of all sensory information (except smell), the limbic system, the visual, auditory and somatosensory systems, as well as environmental and bodily cues. The TPJ is a microphone to her basic mammalian physical urges, her genetic desire, and cerebral fantasies. It is the place where who she is and what she wants to be walk hand in hand. The TBJ, not the “vajayay”, is where you enter a woman.

You want to whisper to her with your eyes, kiss her with your words and lick her with your full attention to what she says. This is where you hunt for a woman not at the Clubs or Internet chat rooms. If pursued correctly, anticipating the reward of her revealing where she has hidden her rubies and her gold will release dopamine (your brain’s happy dance drug). If you do not understand the importance of this, you do not know how to have sex. In essence, you are just masturbating to Internet Porn and involving another person and unnecessary complications.

Women have more oxytocin (the hug drug) receptors than men do. Oxytocin is a bonding feature that nature gave women to make them bond with babies. Thus, women find conversation and connection very erotic. I am not talking about smut-talk.  I am talking about telling the story of you, her, here, now. Never lie to a woman. If you need to lie, there is something wrong with your story. Do not become one of those mediocre storytellers who create absurd plot points and call them “artistic license” because they do not know how to tell the story correctly. 

Do not rush. Talk to her, whisper in her ear, breath on the back of her neck. Tease her. Hold her hand, massage her neck, pull her close, let her think you are about to kiss her, and instead stroke her nose, run fingers over her eyebrows. Explore her body the way Magellan explored the new world. 

Do not be a sissy, but do not be a marauding pirate either. That is, never ask, “Can I kiss you, or unbutton this.” If you have to ask, the answer should be no. Likewise, do not rip at her clothing like a bear trying to get into a cooler at a campground. Remember, the TPJ will interpret your every move as a determinant of who she is in that circumstance with you. That is the power of seduction.

When you kiss her, begin with her hand. Stroll up her arm with your gentle kisses, like playing a scale on a saxophone. Remove clothing as if you are playing a song, slowly, sensually, with rhythm and harmony. Everything is sexy if you make it that way. Kissing is talking without words. When you kiss, do not close your eyes. Look deep into her eyes. 

The mouth is full of taste buds, so make sure your mouth tastes good, not just some mint-flavored mouthwash taste, but sexy good. There are many sensual essential oils. Body chemistries differ, find what works with your pH. You are an individual, your taste should be distinctive, not a generic breath mint flavor. Your smell should be distinctive as well and not detectable until her nose is on your skin; this is a part of what makes intimacy intimate.

Under no circumstances, have oral sex with her.  Instead, feast on her vagina and compliment the chef by looking at them, listening to her body. If you are going to have stubby facial hair, know how to use it or shave. The clitoris is not a slot machine, and just because you keep biting or pulling on it does not ensure you will hit the jackpot. Some women cannot climax from clitoral stimulation, and over-stimulation is obstructive to orgasms in others. If you are going to have sex, it is your responsibility to be able to control your orgasm.  That just requires self-awareness and practice. You can master this through masturbation. 

How you feel about yourself affects how others feel about you.  Women find alpha males with large penises, most appealing, although they will never admit it. Evolution planned it that way to promote regeneration of the strongest genes.

There are two ways to have a 15-inch penis, a billion dollars and stand 6’5. One, you can be born lucky. The other, is to have a 6 inch penis and 9-inches of expertise in using it, a billion dollars worth of sexual salience, and be 7 feet of confidence.

Present yourself like an Inca Bull God, not a cheap plastic dildo. Like there is something extraordinary in every woman, there is something extraordinary in every man—lead with yours.  The adventurous play of sex is the final chapter of your tale of seduction. Finish strong. Play hard like an uninhibited creative child. 

Do not be afraid to get dirty, sweaty, and make up the rules as you go. Use make-believe, and remember everything is a toy if the two of you say it is. When art is at its best, it is science; when science is at its best, it is art. Good sex is the house where that truth lives.
Remain fabulous and phenomenal.

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The Secret to High Productivity