Dirty Little Secrets

Gossip is more than just idle chitchat. Why we love to spread rumors—and how to do it right.

Should I Tell My Friend I Know About Her Past?

What would you do if you found out a dark secret about a friend?
Published on April 17, 2012 by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. in The Friendship Doctor

QUESTION

Hi Irene:

I became friends with a really nice woman about five months ago. We were introduced at church and I became involved in a committee that she is in charge of. We have spent a tremendous amount of time together and really gotten to know each other. Our husbands have hit it off and are now friends also. My adult son got a job working "under" her husband and they carpool 3 days a week.  

The point I am getting at is that we have all become very close and really enjoy each other's company. BUT, today I received some rather shocking news about my new girlfriend and I am reeling! I was told that she is listed on the sex offenders website for our state. I checked the site and was totally shocked to find out that 12 years ago she was convicted of indecent liberties with a minor.

I am dumbfounded...blown away. I really have no idea what to think or do about what I know. I don't dare discuss this with my husband before I fully digest this information.  Should I tell my friend that I know? How would you handle this situation? I am confused to say the least.

Signed, Barbara

 

ANSWER

Hi Barbara,

I can understand how you would be shocked to find out something like this. Bear in mind that the information is more than a decade old and your friend has straightened out her life since then. Many people harbor ghosts in their past that they are too embarrassed to discuss, even with the closest of friends. She must live in fear of being found out.

I would think you would want to share the news with your husband so you can talk to him confidentially and process the information.

Ordinarily, I would see no need to tell your friend you've found out about her past but you haven't mentioned how you found out. Depending on the source of the initial information, you may decide that your friend should know what's being said about her. At the same time, you could reassure her that you're on her side and value her friendship.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene

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