In my
previous posts on self-loathing and relationships, I commented on the unique issues that a self-loathing person and his or her romantic partner may be dealing with. But some questions naturally arise: how did the self-loather end up in a relationship to begin with if he or she has so many issues that would seem to prevent it? And what about the ones who aren't in relationships but would like to be (whose issues with self-loathing may in fact be preventing them)? In other words, there are more general issues concerning self-loathing and relationships that I would like to discuss now.
Self-loathers are often in a precarious position regarding romantic relationships. If they aren't in relationships but want to be, they are often miserable and lonely—like anyone else—and their feelings of inadequacy are made stronger by being alone (and feeling that this state of affairs is natural or "right"). But if they do form romantic relationships, they may experience some happiness but at the same time they feel tremendously guilty about it, because they do not feel good enough for their partners. So they find themselves caught between the Scylla of miserable loneliness and the Charybdis of guilt-ridden pleasure.
At the most basic level, a person with feelings of inadequacy may not feel worthy of love or being loved. This conviction is even stronger when it comes to someone this person cares about, which triggers a natural protective response toward him or her—to protect this person against the self-loather him- or herself. This can be a painful feeling in itself, so self-loathers may even go so far as to avoid social situations—even online ones—where they may meet other people, to keep from falling for someone and then having to withdraw from him or her.
If a self-loather does have a relationship which ended, he or she will almost inevitably blame him- or herself for it and will likely say "never again!" They feel like they failed or hurt their partners, so they resolve never to be in a position to fail or hurt anybody else. But as I wrote recently, the failure of a relationship does not imply personal failure, and something that disappointed one person may delight another. Realizing this won't eliminate the core problem of self-loathing, of course, but it may prevent it from worsening due to a break-up.
The only solace available to the self-loather who abstains from relationships is the satisfaction that he or she is doing "the right thing" by remaining alone. In some cases this may enough to sustain them: they can feel like "heroes" protecting the world from themselves. If there is a person who the self-loather cares about and longs for, he or she can trust that by staying away, this person will have the chance to find someone better—and even if this doesn't happen, the self-loather believes that "surely" this person is better off alone than with him- or herself.
But as always, this ignores the fact, so often denied by self-loathers, that other people do not necessarily see them the way the self-loathers do. As I've written before, even if self-loathers don't share other people's good impressions of them, they should trust that those impressions are sincere, and that these other people would not spend time with them if it didn't make them happy. This is true of people in relationships with the self-loathing, and it is potentially true of any people who may form a relationship with them.
If you're a self-loathing person who is avoiding relationships either out of the anticipation of guilt or the memory of feeling guilt in the past, you have to realize that such guilt is misplaced. Any person who chooses (or chose) to be in a relationship with you will make (or did make) that choice freely. You have to trust that the other person will make the best decision for him- or herself, which makes that decision his or her responsibility,
not yours—and you have no reason to feel guilty about decisions other people make. If you keep this in mind, you may feel more "justified" in seeking out romance, and you may get to experience the joy of love without the accompanying guilt that you may have felt in the past.
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