The Internet, including my own Welcome to Oz groups, is filled with people discussing their borderline or narcissistic family members. A typical post goes like this:
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Hello. I acted in a perfectly normal manner and my BP/NP put me in a no-win situation, blamed and criticized me, projected her own stuff onto me, accused me of cheating, said I "made her" do this and that, and otherwise acted in a typically borderline or narcissistic way. What do I do next time to assure this doesn't happen? What did I do wrong? What do I say and do to set a boundary? Why am I stuck? Borderlines and narcissists sure do love to fight and argue and point out all the things people do wrong!
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Does this sound familiar? In this post, I'm going to try to answer some of those questions.
When you're in a relationship with a high conflict personality (HCP, often someone with BPD or NPD) most people jump right into using a tool like the ones in my book The Essential Family Guide to BPD --things like communication techniques or setting limits. The thought process seems to be that the tool can change the fundamental personality of someone who has made it clear they don't want to change.
So when the tools don't "work" to change the other person--rather than change the situation, as is the goal--people get more and more stuck. Rather than truly accept that their BP/NP is the way they are without judgment, people in online groups find it more soothing to spend most of their time complaining about the person, making horrible generalizations about BPs and NPs that aren't true, putting that person down, putting themselves down for not "succeeding," and most of all, continue trying to control the other person.
Don't get me wrong. The tools are vital to cope with the way your loved one is, not who you want them to be. Tools are powerful ways to change the 50% of the relationship that is about you. But they don't fundamentally change the other person. You have not "failed" if, for example, your loved one still yells or resists limits.
Tools take time and practice to implement. Their purpose is to deal with the person mindfully the way they are, not the way you want them to be. (And contrary to common belief, BPs and NPs don't act the way they do to hurt you. They have deeply ingrained ways of surviving in a world that isolates them from those they wish would love them. It's a terrible way of life to continually sabotage yourself.)
Let me say that again: tools don't fundamentally change the other person--they help you have a better relationship with the person the way they are, not the way you want them to be. Hope, love and prayer have their places, but don't expect them to transform or fix someone who doesn't want to be transformed or "fixed." Only you can change you--just try it. And only they can change themselves. Coming to terms with that fact of life is called Radical Acceptance (in this case, of the effects of your loved one's disorder). And it must come first for the tools to be most effective.
Radical Acceptance, which is an ancient Buddhist concept and is discussed in other faiths, is actively used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Here is an article on RA from the net from the Southern California DBT Center (which looks like a wonderful program). (DBT is a powerful, evidence-based treatment used to treat a variety of psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or an eating disorder.)
Here is part of the article:
Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), noted in her practice that there are two kinds of people: those who are beaten down by suffering and those who are not.
She began to look at the four types of reactions people have to misfortune and broke them down. When something bad happens to us or when something does not go our way, Linehan observed the following responses:
1. The person tries to change the circumstances [in this case, your family member has a disorder]
2. The person tries to change his or her emotions toward the circumstances.
3. The person continues to be miserable.
4. The person accepts the circumstances.
Learning Radical Acceptance of Your Loved One's Disorder
To accept your circumstances radically simply means that you do it from the depths of your soul and in every bone in your body. It does not mean that things will never change or that you are not affected by the realities of your life. Radical acceptance just means that you acknowledge reality for what it is.
Too often, we fill our self-talk with should-haves and shouldn't-haves, but what is done is done. If you accept the reality of the situation, you can stop dwelling on situations you have no control over (and even those you do) and move on with your life.
For instance, perhaps you have not paid several bills or cleaned your house. Rather than making excuses for why these things happened, simply accept that they did. The magic of radical acceptance is that, as contrary to logic as it seems, you will begin to feel more centered and at peace, ready for change in a positive direction. You might even begin to solve the problems that result in unpleasant circumstances without the weight of judgment that you once had.
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Radical Acceptance doesn't mean liking what what BPD or NPD does to your family member. Let's say you got into a car accident and lost both of your legs. You would still have to accept that to get much farther than feeling sorry for yourself. IT ALSO DOESN'T MEAN ACCEPTING THAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR SITUATION--YOU JUST CAN'T SNAP YOUR FINGERS AND GET RID OF THE DISORDER. IT JUST MEANS THAT YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CURE IT, AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT.
