As many of the readers of this blog know, my fiancée, Oi Yin, is terminally ill with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Initially given only seven months to live in February 2010, and now at twenty months, she continues to write her ethical will for her children in the message below.
As a preface to Oi Yin's message to her children, I believe that we all tend to suffer from "need-to-knowitus." As children we want to know who are friends are, what grades we will get, if we made the team, and that our parents will be around to love us forever. As adults we want to know that we can put bread on the table, enjoy good times, and that our children will be healthy and happy. That said, on some level, every parent fears dying young and not being able to guide his or her children into adulthood.
Oi Yin's terminal cancer diagnosis as a widow of two young children makes no sense. I've watched her laugh, cry with and love her two children for almost two years since she was diagnosed. Through it all, to their credit, and Oi Yin's, her two children, Sienna, age 11, and Derek, age 9, continue to thrive as they watch their mom valiantly fight pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is the only cancer with no significant medical advances in over forty years. It is also the only one in the top five cancer killers to have a five year single digit (6%) survival rate.
I hope Oi Yin's message to her children inspires you to take a different perspective on the need to know. Oi Yin lives with grace and gratitude. She offers her children a positive perspective that shines light through the dark times we all face. If we accept the uncertainty of the future and focus on the good, as Oi Yin shares, we end up in a better place--even in the face of terminal illness.
Dear Sienna and Derek,
If someone asked me what is the one magical power I would like to possess, I would say the ability to see the future. I want to know what kind of man and woman you would become. Will you be happy, healthy, living out your dreams, making a difference in society, being benevolent, and being involved in healthy relationships, etc? After reflecting on this a little more, I realize that I don't need to know. Life is a colorful journey. The journey is a bunch of little stepping stones that lead to bigger ones. If we knew everything ahead of time, I suspect that we would lose the beauty, excitement, gumption, and gratitude for everyday life.
Why did Daddy have to die of lung cancer? Why does Mama have pancreatic cancer? Why do unfortunate things happen? I don't know. What I do know is that pain and suffering has taught me to live in real time. Every moment that I breathe I'm thinking of you, watching you grow and witnessing how your daily experiences are molding part of your characters. These transformations are preparing you for the unpredictable future. When times are tough, consider it boot camp, which means there is an end and a purpose. When times are peaceful and agreeable, ride them out and just be still to enjoy them. In my opinion, life is very balanced, even though it may not always feel that way. That's why you'll hear people say "Take the good with the bad."
An unpredictable future brings suspense, creates dreams, and allows room for creativity and passion. It gives you free will, constantly connects you to other people, and challenges you to open your hearts to trust that everything is going to be ok.
My heart's desire is for you to embrace your journeys as you see and experience the beauty of your unpredictable futures.
Loving you,
Mama
