I went out that evening to purchase a big brown leather armchair. As I tried sitting in the large chairs that are suitable for long-legged men, I sank into them like a little girl, my legs sticking out, dangling, too short to touch the floor. Seated uncomfortably, I wondered, "What else might these tall, handsome, financially successful fellows—all immensely likable—have in common?"

For starters, all of them had confidence that seemed sky high.

They exuded enthusiasm about whatever they were doing—great financial deals, athletic successes, winning marathons. Their excitement about their in fact legitimate accomplishments could dwarf the normal energies of everyday folk quite easily, so I could see how they felt more important than others in their family or friendship circle.

Yet give any of these fellows negative feedback and they tended to get surprisingly testy, even to their therapist. It's a good thing that, though small, I'm teflon.

Take a look at their marriages and they were disasters. Their wives were angry and depressed. They described themselves as, somewhere along the road to wifedom, having disappeared .

When I looked at the narcissists' their track records for monogamy I saw more disasters. They seemed to think that the rules for normal mortals didn't apply to them.

Their ability to listen to their wives' concerns—or, for that matter, to listen to what I would try to say though they were paying me top dollar per minute—was remarkably low.

Listen for what they would talk about and it was "Me, Me, Me" if the topic was something positive, and "You (the wife)..., you ..., you..." for anything critical. Yet for the most part they all were engagingly fun to talk with—or rather, to listen to, as monologue was more their habit than dialogue.

Could there be any connection between height and the narcissism of these men?

The next morning when I brought my kids to preschool I noticed in one of the classrooms a very tall boy called Mike. Though his teacher insisted that Mike was the same age as the other children in his class, Mike towered over the other three-year-olds by multiple inches.

I watched Mike, intrigued by his interactions with his peers. When Mike spotted an enticing truck that another little boy was enjoying, he walked over, took the truck from its prior rider, and the smaller boy just turned to find something else to play with. No contest.

Later Mike wanted the book a little girl was reading. The little girl didn't utter a peep when Mike grabbed it from her. She looked up. Mike smiled likably. And the book was his.

I suddenly understood that my tall male clients had been at risk since they were youngsters of succumbing to a narcissistic life stance. Narcissism is a potential price of success when you are taller than, stronger than, more famous than, smarter than, more athletic than.... With height—or, for that matter, any important dimension in which a child becomes a standout—a child like Mike doesn't have to concern himself with the feelings or concerns of other kids.

With such confidence that the world belonged to him, Mike could charm his peers well before any of them could stand up for themselves. No need to limit himself by social rules like no grabbing that applied to others. What's yours is mine.

It happened that I knew Mike's parents. At home as well, Prince Mike ruled. Neither parent stood up to him. He was their star, their special one. But they also often ignored Mike, being preoccupied with their own problems. Mike's Mom sometimes shared with Mike her heartaches, turning to him for solace that was, in my eyes, inappropriate. Mike needed to be her little boy, not the big man she needed him to be. When a young boy becomes too special, he develops into a man with narcissistic tendencies.

A word of caution. Fortunately, not all tall or otherwise highly successful boys become self-centered. I am the proud mother-in-law of two over-six-foot son-in-laws. Both are the kind of totally mature, generous, thoughtful, as well as highly successful, partners that my husband and I always hoped that our daughters would someday marry.

So what is tall-man syndrome?

It's my pet name for the narcissists I so much enjoy working with in my practice.  I like working with the "bad boys."

Fortunately, in spite of the declarations in many internet articles that narcissists do not change in therapy, once these men, and their female equivalents, are motivated to grow up, many turn out to make great therapy clients in that they really do change.  

Narcissists benerally like doing things well.  They are used to being good, preferably the best, at what they do, so when they see that there's a way to become a better husband, some decide to take on the challenge.

The motivation for growth usually comes initially from a spouse who has initiated a divorce. She's had it with not being heard, and with being dominated over by anger if she insists that he listen to her.

In response to the possibility of his wife heading for the Exit door, the tall man typically is shocked.  He suddenly looks down from the high white steed on which he has been riding. He attempts to listen to the little voices of folks by his feet, and especially to the voice of the little wife who is about to abandon him.  His emotional size collapses to small and helpless.

Once the impending departure of a wife pops the narcissistic bubble in which they have been living, naricissists can go in either direction.  They can stomp out and look for someone else to dominate over.  For sure those with more deeply and biologically rooted personality disorders head in this direction.  Or they can sign up to learn the skills for functioning as a collaborative, mature adult. The key for them is to find a therapist or marriage education program that coaches them in how to listen to others and be responsive to others' concerns as well as their own.

Here's the happy ending of this posting.  While their height and talents may have biased them toward excessive specialness, many men and women who have long operated in a narcissistic manner can change and grow.  In fact, they have potential to become royal human beings.  They and also those who love them then become true winners.

 -----------------------------

Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver Clinical psychologist, is author of multiple publications including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two.  A graduate of Harvard and NYU, Dr. Heitler's most recent project is a marriage skills website, PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.