This is my first blog post at PsychologyToday.com, so I want to refer to the name "Your Zesty Self." What do you think of when you think of a zesty self?
Google definitions of "zesty" include references to gusto, enthusiastic enjoyment and having a spicy quality. So I will share away with you here things that can build and enhance those qualities of zest. Sometimes these qualities are expressed with the words "self-esteem" and "self-confidence," "power," and "joy." I'm just sick and tired of those words right now.
I know of one ingredient that keeps us zesty. It is validation. In fact, as we look at the word ‘validity' it means robustness, the quality of being strong and healthy in constitution. While the very strongest of validation is self validation, in times of sadness and distress, validation from others really helps. I describe below a recent occasion I had to remember the power of outer validation.
I lay on the purple velvet couch in the euthanasia room. Soft new age music wafted out of the tiny boom box on the floor. A water fountain burbled on the altar before me, next to clusters of aromatic oil bottles nestled on a tray. And on my stomach I held my beloved cat of 18 years, "Punky" (short for Pumpkin). He was suffering from the end stages of kitty diabetes. His right front leg was taped, holding in the needles for the fluids which would follow.
I had gone in earlier to be able to spend time with Punky before our five o'clock "appointment" with the veterinarian. My eyes were filled with tears, making it hard to see into his eyes as I pet him. But I did not want to move my hands away from stroking his now boney body which was shutting down, cooling right before me.
At five, Doctor Schwartz entered gravely and started talking. Blah, blah, blah... (medical stuff about Punky's compromised liver), blah, blah, blah (that I could have given him appetite stimulants, but they had bad side effects), blah, blah, blah (that he was 18 years already, a good life time for a cat). Hearing a comforting message that it was not too bad that Punky was dying now, I can begin to listen. And what I hear, I like. "If you asked me what I'd do if he were my own cat, I'd say that this is a good option. I know you've been devoted to him. You are not killing him; you're preserving the end quality of his life."
At such a time, his kindness was a great gift. He was validating me and my choice to have Punky put to sleep. That validation has helped me through the few days since then. It reminds me of how important it can be when we are in pain to know that another person thinks that we and our actions make sense.
The testiness can happen when we receive the opposite of validation. I'm talking about judgments and contempt. A loved one's contempt often provokes straight out feelings of inadequacy. Another response is jumping to defensive anger. The anger can feel like a more powerful choice in the moment. But we all know exactly how "momentary" the felt power of defensiveness can be.
I vote for zesty not testy. And I ask you to consider what validation will you give some one else today. And what validation will you give yourself today? It matters.
To learn more about Jane Bolton's work visit http://www.DrJaneBolton.com. You can get relationship help there in a free chapter of her ebook, How To Make Love Through Deep Listening.
