Do You Have a Disorganized Person in Your Life?

Sally cleared her calendar the weekend before the big conference to finalize her data analysis and presentation. But then her brother Pete called with another crisis—he’d been thrown out of his apartment and needed a place to stay. She sighed, all her hard work sabotaged by another one of his emergencies.

As chair of the planning committee at work, Glen had asked for budget data a month before the next meeting. But despite his repeated requests, Pat, the budget manager had not responded. The morning of the meeting, Glen logged on to his email to find that Pat had emailed him the budget data late the night before. With no time to review the data, Glen gritted his teeth, with his meeting agenda hijacked by her last-minute action.

At home and at work, we can be ambushed by disorganized people. Whether by deliberation or default, these people can invade our boundaries, sabotage our plans, and throw us off course. Some of them are passive aggressive, while others simply lead chaotic lives. But the effect is the same: they can control us, with their chaos infecting our lives.

Their behavior conveys a sense of urgency, which puts our limbic system on high alert and shuts down our better judgment, making us feel we have no choice (see LeDoux, 1996; McEwen, 2002). But we do. And psychology tells us that we are constantly reinforcing one another’s behavior. Dropping our plans to react to disorganized people not brings their chaos into our lives, it also gives them positive reinforcement for their chaotic behavior, conditioning them to do it to us again.

Staying true to our own priorities instead of being hijacked by their behavior sends disorganized people a different message. Glen could cancel his meeting, saying his committee needs more time to consider the data. Sally could practice tough love, telling her brother she’s not available, so he’d need to find another solution.

You have a choice. The next time you feel ambushed by a disorganized person, STOP, take a deep breath. Focus on what you’re feeling. Then ask yourself what you need right now. Disengaging from your initial stress reaction will help you become more mindful. By reconnecting to your feelings and your brain’s cognitive function, you can recognize your own priorities, seeing more options instead of surrendering to chaos.

References: For more information on stress and your brain, see

LeDoux, J. (1996). The emotional brain. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

McEwen, B. S. with Lasley, E. N. (2002). The end of stress as we know it. Washington, D. C.: Joseph Henry Press.

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Diane Dreher is a best-selling author, personal coach, and professor at Santa Clara University. Her latest book is Your Personal Renaissance: 12 Steps to Finding Your Life’s True Calling.

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