Why You Might Want to Have Difficult Conversations Online

Most of the time, having personal or difficult conversations is something best done verbally, and ideally in person. This allows the subtleties of tone of voice, body language, and other communication signals to come through as clearly as possible. Having these conversations online, however, has been roundly criticized—the email breakup is almost a joke at this point.

But is it really wrong to have these conversations online? New research suggests it might not be such a bad thing.

In general, social media is excellent for relationship maintenance. It allows us to keep up on the important (and not so important) activities of friends and family, share our own life events with them, and maintain a low level of contact that keeps alive relationships which might otherwise fade away. Most of us can produce a large list of high-school friends, cousins, and acquaintances with whom we have relatively strong relationships as a result of Facebook.

Conflict management is an important part of any relationship, and while we may not have many conflicts with our online acquaintances, we will inevitably have them with close friends and family—and, as a recent study has shown, social media can be quite helpful in managing conflict in intimate relationships[1].

The core of this finding is the asynchronous nature of online communication. Subjects in the study reported that time to think or cool off when they are angry is very important. Once they had enough time to think, they could use social media, email, or text messages to test the waters with the other person, or send apologies or "I love you" messages. They reported being able to take time to say the right thing online when it might have been hard, especially in times of anger, to calmly form those thoughts and choose the right words in person.

Online communication can also reduce anxiety in conflict situations (and in non-conflict situations as well). Sometimes, face-to-face communication about sensitive issues can be difficult, such as starting a discussion about sexual topics in the early stages of a relationship. Beginning such conversations in a less threatening online space allows people to develop trust and intimacy that can then transfer to their offline relationship.

People also report using social media as a way to strengthen relationships by showing commitment through public demonstration of affection.

There are drawbacks to online conversations: Since they limit vulnerability, they can interfere with developing intimacy between people—and the lack of non-verbal cues can lead to misunderstandings. But using email, social media, or texting for important or difficult personal discussions shouldn't be ruled out just because it's untraditional. It can have real benefits for people and help their relationships.

[1] Tong, S., and Joseph B. Walther. "Relational maintenance and CMC." Computer-mediated communication in personal relationships (2011): 98-118.

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