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Relationship Desires & Realities on Casual Sex Sites

Research shows that relationships on casual sex sites are not always satisfying.

Sex and the internet have always been close partners, and that has continued as social networking has become the dominant way people interact online. Adult Friend Finder (note: this link goes to a page that is safe for work, but most of the pages on the site are not), with 40 million users, is a social networking site dedicated to helping users find partners for sex or swinging. In the mid-2000s, it was the single largest social networking on the web, outnumbering even MySpace (I even wrote about it way back then, marveling at how "sex sells social networks"). While it is now dwarfed by Facebook and other popular sites, it remains strong (especially given its narrow focus) and one of the more popular sites on the web.

So how does easy access to casual hook ups affect the people involved? What kinds of relationships come from these encounters and how do they affect the people involved? Two studies get to that answer from different sides.

An interesting study of men who use the site [1] reported the results of interviews first. The subjects in the study felt liberated by the site because they were able to pursue relationships that were first about sex and, if everything worked out, then move on to small talk and a potential relationship. The also talked about how the site allowed them to fulfill their fantasies (and if they were looking for something outside the normal scope of Adult Friend Finder, the site frequently directed them to their BSDM counterpart alt.com [NSFW]).

However, the author's conclusions do not paint the site as a fortunate outlet for its users. She writes:

"Some of the men are able to make their fantasies a reality…but there seems to be little personal responsibility or self-reflection taking place in regard to their actions. The influence and theme of the AFF-website seems to help justify their actions on and offline. It is just so easy for them to simply sit at their computers, in the comfort of their homes or office, to find new sexual partners…all at the click of a mouse. Little thought is given to the consequences of these types of relationships."

She goes on to explain that, while the subjects seem to think their relationships started online are less complicated and require less work, the relationships appear to be as complicated – if not more – than non-Internet relationships. And because the relationships are focused on sex with no emotional connection, they end up being shallow and short.

Of course, this may not be a problem for the participants who could indeed be looking for short, shallow relationships (even if they do end up being more complex). However, another study suggests that there may be a mismatch in what partners are looking for. This study [2] focused on women who used the site and what they hoped to get out of it.

While many of the intentions may be the same as their male counterparts, the interests women express are different. First, women offer to do less for men, and often request certain types of sexual services in their profiles, while men tend to list more services that they would perform. This could be a function of the marketplace; the site is dominated by men, so women can demand more.

However, when it comes to the resulting relationships, women may be asking more than men are willing to give. Users of Adult Friend Finder can describe the kind of relationship they want, ranging from totally causal "no strings attached" sex to a serious relationship. Far more women indicate they are interested in a serious relationship (31.9% of women vs 9.7% of men). On the flip, men dominate in their interest in "no strings attached" relationships; 51.7% of men list this as an interest compared to only 26.6% of women. In the middle space of commitment, there is an option to look for "friends with benefits", a longer term, though non-committed relationship. This option was more popular among women (20%) than men (14.2%)

None of these results are to say that the casual sex people are looking for on Adult Friend Finder is bad or that people will be disappointed with the experience. However, casual sexual relationships are still relationships that have their own complexities. They are often short, intense, and shallow with few common interests beyond the sex. This can lead to problems when partners hope for more meaningful or longer term relationships, and especially when there is a mismatch – something the data suggests could be quite common.

References

[1] Harding, Jessica. "The Development of Social Interactions and Identity Within an Adult Dating, Sex and Swingers Virtual Community: A Case Study of Adult Friend Finder." Social Sciences Journal 7.1 (2011): 16.

[2] Jankowiak, William, et al. "Teasing with Sex, Hunting for a Relationship: What a Popular Adult Dating/Sex Site Can Tell Us About 21st Century USA Female Sexual Behavior."

Image adapted from Giuseppe Milo

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