Consistency, as we know, is the sine qua non of good parenting. When kids get consistent messages, consistent responses to behavior, consistent reinforced throughout their young lives, they feel that the world is a predictable and therefore safe place. (Even predictable abuse is better than unpredictable abuse, but that's a story for another time.) Clinicians like myself who work with both kids and adults know that some of the most disturbed adults are those whose young lives were chaotic: one cannot even develop a good old grandiose fantasy of "it was all my fault" when the "it" is too fluid to hold on to.
We kind of owe it to kids to be predictable and consistent, right? We know this. So why do we (as a society) present our children with such conflicting options, values, and expectations for behavior? Are we trying to drive them crazy?
This week's case in point: a school in my home state that has banned competitive activities from the playground during recess. After what was felt to be too much bickering among the kids at recess, the edict went into effect: no competing. No kickball. No four-square. Nothing in which scores are kept. Apparently competition is just too much for kids to handle without supervision, so, during "free" or "unsupervised" play periods, there is to be NO COMPETITION. This has led to some pretty ridiculous mini-Inquisitions, like one reported meeting in the principal's office in which a bunch of fourth-graders were interrogated about whether their football-throwing at recess was competitive or not (apparently the Inquisition hinged upon whether they were "just throwing" or whether they were seeing who could throw the farthest).
Um, okay. Competing is bad. People will argue. Feelings will get hurt. Terrible things will happen when people are allowed to win or lose. Meanwhile....the Celtics/Lakers contest is one everyone's front page. Coco Crisp is charging the mound during a baseball game to avenge the honor of our beloved Red Sox, and a full-throated roar of approval is going up all over the region. Kids are killing themselves to get into "competitive" colleges. Winners are everywhere celebrated, losers pitied. American kids are learning the ethos of competition before they learn to walk.
So, what are we doing when we ban competition in the schoolyard? What's the message? You can only compete when we are supervising? Competition is bad, except when it is good? Mommy wants you to be a loser, and Daddy wants you to be a winner? Are we trying to drive our children completely "around the bend"? Of course, they won't really go crazy: they will just learn to tune out adults, because adults are so impossibly conflicted, unreliable, and therefore unsafe. Is this really what we want?
In my next post, more creative solutions to schoolyard bickering.
