Helping Girls Avoid 'Damage' to Their Self-Esteem

This morning, I was listening to Terry Gross of NPR's Fresh Air interview Tina Fey, "30 Rock" star and author of the new book, Bossypants. During the interview, Fey read an excerpt from the book - an excerpt that's been making the rounds of social media for the last week or so. Titled, "The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter," it's a funny take on a mother's dreams for her little girl.

It made me laugh, but it also contains one line that has haunted me from the moment I first read it: "May she be beautiful, but not damaged, for it's the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the beauty."

I haven't been able to stop thinking about that line. So often, I meet absolutely beautiful young girls who - from the outside - seem to have every reason in the world to feel good about themselves.

But they don't.

Their shoulders slump, their chins drop and they lower their eyes as they speak in a whisper - or in the tell-tale upward lilt of a statement that ends up a question as they announce to the world that they don't trust their own opinions. I remember speaking with Nancy, a woman who agreed to be interviewed for You'd Be So Pretty If..., who lamented the parade of her son's female friends who, she said, had no idea how beautiful they really were.

That uncertainty and self-loathing too often becomes a form of damage in our girls that they risk carrying with them into adulthood. It becomes the backdrop for bad choices, bad behavior and bad boyfriends - all of which can derail a girl before she ever gets a chance to envision the confident woman she could become.

It's hard for us moms to watch the "damage" begin; sometimes, we even contribute to it with our words and our actions. That's why it's critical to watch our behavior toward and our words about our own bodies. From us, our daughters can learn that perfection isn't a requirement of happiness, nor does a successful career or a respectful romantic relationship necessarily depend on having the body of a supermodel or the glamorous beauty of a Hollywood celebrity. If we appreciate and accept ourselves for who we are, we'll attract others who appreciate and accept us, too.