You'd Be So Pretty If...

I got excited when you posted an entry about boys because I thought 'Here's the information that applies to me, mom of a boy' but it was still based on girls. While a lot of what you discuss can be applied to both genders and I've picked up a lot of food-for-thought about myself, I do wish there was more information about either both genders or more than just a girl's weight as appearance.

I picked your book up because my 9 year old son said something that startled me, "I need something to eat because Im sad." which nobody in our family, not even second cousins, would ever say. I don't know where he heard it. Before reading your book, I would have gave him a lecture about hunger vs gorging and made him wait until dinner. Instead of scolding him or refusing him food, I gave him 3 Oreos (because they're not fat pills and it was around snack time anyway). I said, "So now you're full and you're still sad. Let's try talking about why you feel so bad." It wouldn't have played out as peacefully had I not read your book.

My son is slightly over-weight (73 pounds) and not too long ago he had a pediatrician pinch his tummy and gave it a little shake saying, "You need to get rid of this" I was quietly enraged thinking 'time to go' and she knew it because she came back with a nurse and compliments about what a great skinny role model I must be. I kept giving the basic ok-yes-ok's and swore to my son half-way out the first door with as much composure as anyone could ever have that we will NEVER have to come back there again. How do you explain to a 9 year old boy that 'everyone should be healthy, but there's nothing wrong with you' after a doctor does that to him? You can use my incident for your next book if you want, which should be about boys, and I'll gladly buy the first copy.

I give talks to grade school and middle school kids about body image and eating problems as part of The Eating Disorders Information Network's prevention efforts. The first question I like to ask the group is, "Why do you think it's important for boys to be here, too?" And I'm so happy when the boys raise their hands and say, "Because our female friends, sisters and girlfriends struggle and we need to understand and help them," or they say, "Because guys have body image problems, too!" Then we talk about all the reasons why kids (boys AND girls-- just HUMANS) eat when they may not be hungry, then brainstorm about what they REALLY need when they have these feelings. (You can see how we talk to the kids in this short video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoUsMi8jb6g). We talk about the normal ways that kids grow; many gain weight before they gain height, so it's important not to start dieting because that messes up the whole system. Instead it's about learning to understand, listen to and respect the body's signals.

We already know that the definitions of pretty and sexy are narrow, market-driven and detrimental to how girls view themselves. But they also affect boys by shaping what boys want and consider valuable when it comes to a partner.

As a teen, nothing irked me more than guys at school fawning over images of models....or treating our female classmates who measured up to contemporary beauty ideals as something special, more worthy and desirable. "She could totally be a model" was the ultimate praise. In all honesty, those comments were part of the original impetus to write "All Made Up: A Girl's Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype and Celebrating Real Beauty"... and in it, I have a whole chapter on dealing with boys who are "starstruck"--and by that, I mean boys who buy into and value today's narrow beauty ideals.

Ironically--or maybe not--I'm now the mother of two young boys, and I know it's going to be a lifelong crusade to unschool them regarding the popular definitions of beauty for both men and women. There will be no objectifying comments made in my house. Or rather, there probably will be--and that's when I'll be trying to create cultural change by starting right in my own backyard.

I am the mother of 3 boys. I don't think they need to be unschooled because they are blank slates. They need to be schooled. They are very young, and they have both boy and girl friends right now, in equal numbers. I do notice that mothers dress their girls up pretty, even at age five, which is their choice but that doesn't do them any favors as far as finding their place regardless of how they look. My boys will be raised to play and associate with good people, not with people who look a certain way. We have Mexican friends, Polish friends, French friends, boys and girls. I do feel sorry for people, girl or boy, who are defined mainly by how they look or how others view them. My kids won't be, and their self-esteem won't be anyone else's responsibility but their own.

My husband wrote a nice piece called Visions of Grown-Ups where he describes how we see our grown-up children.