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This week, families will gather to share a meal and memories, but for many of us, holiday gatherings are ripe for stirring up body image issues. Facing family and their accompanying comments, questions and old nicknames has the potential to undermine the body image work so many of us have done.
I was reminded of how who we choose to surround ourselves with affects our feelings, thoughts and actions this week when my son brought home a progress report with a gentle note from the teacher suggesting that he make "a better choice of seat placement" in class. As it would be for most of us, his first inclination is to sit next to the friends whose company he enjoys - shifting his focus from studious work to chatting and laughing.
It's important to consciously surround ourselves with people and situations that will bring out the best in us. When we're trying to make healthy changes in our lives or learn to be more accepting of ourselves, the support of those around us can have a major impact. But what about those times when we need to be with those who are less than supportive? Whether it's a relative who still teases after all these years or a pushy family member who won't stop questioning your life choices, here are a few ideas for dealing with the day:
• Become a detective. When a comment that pushes your buttons is made or a nosy question is asked, instead of letting it cut to the quick, stop, breathe and allow yourself to wonder what that person's motivation is. Is she criticizing your choices because she needs to validate her own? Is his sarcastic teasing an attempt to hide his own hurt? Examining another's motivation puts some distance between the comment and your feelings, and helps make it about the other person. Because it usually is.
• Perfect a curious attitude. It's not always easy to stand up to a family member - especially if we're feeling bullied - but instead of engaging in sniping, stop, breathe and simply say, "Why would you say that?" or "Why would you ask that?" It works best when accompanied by a puzzled look.
• Enjoy the performance. If relatives are known for being truly over the top, try imagining them as characters in a play and yourself as the audience. A friend told me that's how she deals with family members who bug her, and I loved the idea.
• Find the humor. Try making a friendly wager beforehand with your spouse as to how long it will take for your aunt to ask that nosy question. Or set up a signal with your sister to indicate every time your mom asks a question or makes a comment about your weight or what you're eating. Little moments of comic relief might just save the day.
Time and again, I'm reminded that we can never control what other people say and do - we can only control our own behavior. Putting a little distance between others' comments and our own reactions can help us learn to be more objective and evaluate whether a comment or criticism is worthy of taking to heart.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
