You'd Be So Pretty If...

How to teach your daughter to love her body--even when you don't love your own.

Dara Chadwick is the author of You'd Be So Pretty If...:Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies--Even When We Don't Love Our Own. See full bio

October 16, 2009, Parenting

Talking to Your Body: Keep It Positive

"Fat talk" is an acceptable way for women to connect.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending a group discussion of my book, You'd Be So Pretty If...: Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies -- Even When We Don't Love Our Own. It was a great discussion, filled with lots of laughter, sharing and genuine concern for how the things we say to our kids affect them and who they become.

At one point, though, one woman -- her frustration clear -- said: "I just wish I had a script. How do I know the positive things to say to help my daughter feel good about her body?"

I paused for a moment before telling her I think that's the key: Keeping it positive.

We can all find something to criticize about ourselves. I could write out a list right here and now of the things I wish I could change about myself. But I could also create a list of things I like about myself. The reality, though, is that I'm less likely to do that.

Why?

Well, I have my theories. Growing up in a family where it was a definite no-no to "think too much of yourself," pointing out the positive (about myself) sometimes gives me an icky, "I'm doing something wrong" feeling. Then, there's the girl bonding that takes place over "fat talk." In my book, I relate a story of sitting around the table with some female friends at a dinner party (while the guys were in the other room watching TV, I might add) when the topic turned to weight. It quickly became one of those "I'm so fat" conversations; you know the ones: "I'm fatter." "You think you're fat? Look at this!"

"Fat talk" is a socially acceptable way for women to connect.

Rarely will you hear women sitting around talking about what they like about their bodies. When I mentioned how I feel about my "great shoulders" yesterday, I swear I felt a palpable moment of discomfort in the room.

OK, maybe I imagined it. But think about the last time you heard a woman praise her own body. If you were lucky enough to bear witness to that rare occurrence, how did it make you feel?

At yesterday's book group, I talked about the importance of letting your daughter hear you speak positively about yourself. Here's why: First, it teaches her that even though we may not look like the glamorous supermodels we see in the media, we can like ourselves just fine. Second, it teachers her to look for the good in herself. And, finally, it teaches her that she doesn't need to point out her "flaws" to others. When we speak positively about ourselves and others, we give them "permission" to speak positively about themselves, too.

On Monday, Delta Delta Delta sorority will kick off its "Fat Talk Free" Week, an initiative designed to encourage women to be aware of what they're saying about their bodies and to consciously choose to speak positively about themselves. Watch this video to get a sense of what a pervasive problem "fat talk" really is -- and why we need to change things for our daughters.